It seems to be two years ago. The last time I posted. It was interesting to look at old posts and see what I was thinking about four years ago, and that I'm still struggling with it at all, looking back. There's quite a lot of sense of going around in circles going on.

　Well, but the feeling of being afraid of dying seemed to fade after I turned 30, and I thought, "Oh, that was just a transient feeling", which is probably a pretty big change. When I was about to turn 30, I walked from Kamakura to Minatomirai all night on foot. That's when I thought.

　I was intensely afraid at night. I was afraid of dying, afraid of losing my senses for good when I was walking for hours in the dark on the main street, with only street lights and a lonely landscape with only trucks passing by. But in the morning, I suddenly thought, "Hey. I'm walking on the same kind of road, but I'm not that scared". It was kind of a bit silly. Oh, I see, that 'I'm afraid of dying' feeling is not a universal feeling about dying, but I just gave the name 'I'm afraid of dying' to the lonely, rushed feeling I get, especially at night.

　I hated that scary feeling so much. It's something like hyperventilating. Like I'm in a hurry, like I can't help it, like I just breathe faster and scream suddenly. But recently that hasn't happened at all. It's strange, but it seems that although age 30 is an arbitrary age, unexpected physical changes seem to come to my body. My face is getting swollen, and I'm closer to death than I was in my 20s, but my fear of death is fading, which is a contradiction. This is my case though.

　It's strange to say that I feel a little sad because I've lost that feeling, but I feel like I can't help it anymore. The fact that I was able to continue living until that feeling changed is a great blessing in itself, isn't it?