- Turning away from a death wish -

日本語版はこちら

Introduction

For many years, the idea of there being a book out there that could change my life was, to me, absurd. But one day, I came across something that would upend my life. It was 'On the Purpose of Life' , a book by Mieko Kamiya. I am very grateful that I was able to connect with Ms Kamiya across space and time and that she gave me good advice. And I would like to 'thank the book' for sharing suggestions and possibilities with me.

I came across it in June 2021 and by November, I had read all kinds of things, using her book as a compass. And I am only writing this now after taking courage from the writings of various other people too.

The  consequence of all this was that I began to spend more and more time examining the past, re-examining it from all angles.

This blog is based on some of my previous blog posts and has been put together after re-examination and re-evaluation of those posts, referring specifically to the title here.

Firstly, I would like to state that, for some, it is a very shocking description. Words can be frightening at times. I am well aware of that. It was hard work to write this text. It was also an experience where I learnt first-hand that words can be violent. There were often times when I was afraid of my own writing. For this reason, I would not recommend it being read by sensitive people.

Secondly, some people ask: 'Could this be true? Isn't she lying? What is the purpose of doing this now?" some may ask. I think these are natural questions. I think that these sentences will have different impressions depending on the position of the reader. So I naturally leave the decision to the reader. However, these are 'some kind of' true in my opinion. That's all I can say. And I must mention that there were a lot of 'unspeakable' aspects. When I first started writing, the hardest thing for me was the lack of memory. I thought that if only I had a solid memory, I could make a stronger case. In other words, I doubted myself. All along, I kept asking myself, "Am I lying?" I asked myself that question as I wrote the blog.

I would also like to mention that doubting myself is hard work. This is the blog I wrote from there. It's long, but I want you to read it through first. I hope it will be of some small help to some people.

Who am I?

My hobby is photographic modelling. If I use the term 'subject’ from now on, it’s because the word model has a professional connotation for me. I am not and never been a professional model. I help out in the family business - I qualified as a bookkeeper (first class) at the age of 25 and now work part-time as an accountant.

Since I was 22, I have suffered from a condition known as depersonalisation and it is still with me; my age at the time of writing is 47. The most difficult thing about this condition is that it is debilitating. I become virtually paralyzed. This makes it difficult to take a bath, for instance. I am also withdrawn. All memories of the past are blurred; since 2015, I occasionally feel numb mentally and pain physically. I also suffer from tinnitus and dizziness. I am told these are the aftereffects of a failed suicide attempt, after which I was unconscious for ten days.

At the beginning of 2021, it suddenly dawned on me that all this time, I had been unfairly treated. This is what I want to tell you about.

Activities

I started working with photographers in 2005 and continued until 2019. Why did I, a complete amateur, start doing this?

Shocking, I know, but in 2004, my goal was to die, preferably before the age of 30.
And I started to think that after my death I wanted a beautiful photograph, a portrait that could be displayed at my funeral. I wanted a beautiful photo of me, preferably of me smiling in a wedding dress. So how should I go about this? I had no idea. At the time, social networking services were not widespread so I settled on a personal approach to photography and worked on it single-mindedly.

I don't intend to say too much here but suffice to say it has really entailed a lot of hard work. The basic conditions for a private shoot were that I would provide everything from transport to wardrobe, and the person taking the photos would give them to me. This is known as TFP - time for prints. After all, I was in the position of being 'photographed', so I was grateful just to be photographed. And I was happy just to receive a proper photograph. It transpired, however, that there were times when even this basic requirement would prove difficult.

In the course of personal photography, you become instilled with a stereotype -  that 'all photographers are great' or 'this or that photographer is great’. I was not very young, but most of them were probably older than I was. A lot of what happened was probably due to the fact that I had no experience of being a subject.

And they explained copyright to me.

A purpose in life for me

What I liked was being given my photographs. I liked looking at them and thinking that I was alive at this time. And I liked this whole process of selecting photos that I thought were good and uploading them to a website that I had created. This site was launched in 2005 and has been running since then. I would say this was proof of life. I rarely looked back at the photos. I don't do social networking. I am very afraid of being criticised. I also took active measures to minimise access to my site.

Discrepancies between who is in the photo and who that person is in reality.

If you've seen my photos, you will have seen that I might look confident, arrogant or like a silly woman who would do anything for a photo. That may be because I am playing the role of 'subject K' on the internet. I was perfectly fine with people seeing me in the photos and judging me for what I was. As long as I was satisfied with myself, I was fine with it. I would be more than happy to represent all aspects of me.

However, nothing had changed for me. I would say that I was pushing towards death. Photography, rather than shooting, may have been a way for me to survive, and at the same time, shooting was the source of my weariness. Especially dealing with a photographer was often exhausting for me and shattered my self-esteem. I kept genuinely looking for someone to photograph me, and kept getting turned down. I was disappointed with myself for a long time, because I understood the feelings of those who wanted to photograph attractive, young women and foreign models.

The dynamics of 'people photography'

I would like to consider the dynamics of 'people photography' and the interdependence of photographer and subject. I became aware of this when I saw one of my favourite singers performing in an impressively relaxed manner. I think that a song is both the singer and the song. In other words, although singers are limited by the structure of the song, they can interpret it as they like. A certain direction is implied, but its interpretation is up to the singer.

Isn't the same true for photography? Shouldn't the subjects, the sitters, be allowed to express themselves to a certain extent? Especially in the area of private photography and TFP where no payment is involved, surely there should be equality? Is there really a need for a hierarchical relationship in which the person taking the picture is king? Thinking about this, I felt extremely frustrated; frustrated at not being allowed to stretch out and express myself more. I was also sad that my abilities were not recognised.

This can easily be corroborated by the selfies I used to take at this time - they were good. I often set up a tripod and took selfies because there was no one to take photos for me. Nowadays, selfie sticks are commonplace, but not in 2005; when I was in good shape, I used to take a lot of selfies.

Longing for death

From 2004 on, my death wish clearly became an obsession, as witnessed by my repeated suicide attempts. I cannot express why I wanted to die. I remember being troubled because I had nothing to write in my suicide note. There was no one I wanted to report my death to. I only printed out a tentative  note, more importantly, a memorial photo, put them both on my desk - and made a decision. Death was something I longed for, but this longing created a very difficult and painful way of life where life and death were inexorably linked. And I was also disgusted by my constantly failing suicide attempts. To my way of thinking, I was cursing myself for not dying properly, for not succeeding.

I felt really sorry for those facing imminent death but wanting to live. If I could have given my life or my health, I would have gladly offered them. Instead, I was reduced to completing an organ donation card.

At the beginning of 2021, I looked back on the previous year. I also reflected on the shoots. I tried to assess who I was then and who I am now.

I came to the conclusion that I had been mistreated for far too long. I was constantly frightened and unsure of myself, as my doctor at the time had told me.I still am.
Because of this effect on me, I think I was unable to assert myself successfully, accepting everything, even the bad experiences. Some people who realised this took advantage of me and trampled on me. Totally unacceptable!

I meet the photographer LL

Then, in 2005, I joined 'mixi', the first and most famous social networking service in Japan at the time, and continued my search for a photographer. It was then that I was approached by LL. I accepted his request to shoot. And I worked with him for a really long time - from 2005 to 2019.
Working with LL was far more difficult than I had expected. From the very beginning, he made extreme demands of me. However, I felt obliged to do what I could to meet the photographer's demands as a subject. I do it my own way. I think it was in this context that I developed my style. I would have to say, unfortunately, that our working relationship was very unequal from the start.
I remember I was invited to movies and events. I never attended because my condition made it difficult for me to even go out. In other words, we were only connected through shoots and had no private relationship. My photographs were frequently exhibited but I was unable to attend the openings or even the exhibitions; there was a group exhibition from 5 to 11 December 2013, just at the time when I had planned to die and do it properly - I was hospitalised after my attempt failed.
I learned a lot, but it was painful. I worked hard simply because I wanted photographs. And as I continued to shoot, a value system was being inculcated in me that said, 'This is all you are worth. Accept it. Get on with the shoot'. Any self-esteem I may have built up evapourated. You could say that I was being brainwashed. LL also treated me as if he were an absolute authority figure.
And he took disgusting photos of me.

1. Nude photos published without my permission

I do not take issue with their publication, as I believe that at this point I had granted permission for publication. However, I would like to mention it because it was a major turning point in my life as a subject from then on.

I seem to remember that I had somehow found his website. And there were my nudes. I remember being greatly shocked. Photographers I had worked with had been very careful with my underwear and nude photos. I remember, as a Japanese, thinking, 'Oh no, I'm never going to be able to marry now.' I understand the fear of being published on the internet. Up until then, I had been taking photos just for the fun of it, but I realised that there was no turning back now, and I began to work on the shoots like a maniac. In subsequent shoots, I didn't hesitate to go for nudity. I was no longer interested in seeing the photos after the shoot. After my fix I moved on to find the next one.

The reason I didn't ask him to stop publishing them was because an unknown third party had by then already copied my nude photos and made a website. So I felt that now there was no going back.

I had an exchange with LL about this point. I tried to be brave in my own way, but he sent me a convoluted message in reply and I felt obliged to apologise and that was the end of it. We apologise a lot in Japan, even if the other person is in the wrong.

I would like to put the messaging on the website. I share it now - it might give you some insight into the relationship with LL. And please bear in mind, I am Japanese; we are different.

From me (2 February 2021, 2:16)
I am sorry for the abruptness of this message. I am sorry to bother you, but could you please delete my nudity page? It is fine when you are free. By the way, it was a long time ago, but I don't remember giving you permission to publish nudes initially.

From LL (2 February 2021, 13:40).
First of all, please clarify the facts. I always ask you to check each page before uploading it. If you say that I uploaded them without your permission, there is no way I can say "Yes, I see". I cannot move forward unless you acknowledge this.

From me (2 February 2021, 13:57).
I'm on the road at the moment, so apologies if I'm misremembering. I remember that the first time you photographed me was in 2005. At that time, of course, I agreed to post them on the website. But I don't remember agreeing to nudity and underwear. I did not say anything at the time and will not say anything in the future. I just ask you that it be erased.
It was a long time ago and I sincerely apologise if I am misremembering.

I have had no further correspondence with him since. I have not had any further correspondence with him because I am afraid.

A short while later, I looked at his website and found that only a title had been changed and the photos were still there. The name had been changed to the Japanese word 'Zan'. (Is this how he saw them - as leftovers?!)

N.B.
After searching the messages, I was able to find one that said 'he did not publish nudity'. However, I could not find a message saying that 'he had published them'. I will post that message, which is from 16 November 2005. It is very ambiguous. Nor have I ever given permission to LL to use my name. On my page on his website, I was able to find a message saying that there is some semi-nudity and if there is a problem he would remove it. In other words, as per my initial impression, the whole thing was kept deliberately vague. He did, in fact, publish my nude shots without my permission.

I couldn't understand why, when he had already published them, he would subsequently look at my nudes on my own website. Unless, of course, he was enjoying them for himself …..

2. He pleaded with me to pay for his new equipment

An example; there were times when I wanted to take underwater photographs. I scrambled to find a photographer, but with no success. So I asked LL and he replied that he wouldn't take photos unless he had an SLR *. So I prepared an SLR camera and underwater housing. Then I looked for suitable locations. I also amassed a huge collection of outfits that would be suitable for underwater shoots. We completed a shoot, and more subsequently.

*Single Lens Reflex camera
Also, at some point, I started to give him an honorarium as a 'courtesy'. No more TFP. I remember that after this, there was no more direct damage, so I believed the money was necessary to protect me. More on this later.

3. Sleeping in the same room

This was really painful. I had severe insomnia, but most of all it was very stressful to have to be in the same room as him, being nervous all the time. Why did he book the same room as a matter of course, I wondered.
And no matter how luxurious the accommodation may be, for me a business hotel where I stay alone is far preferable. (Incidentally, the accommodation was not exactly luxurious.) When we were on location in the countryside, I estimated costs approximately and gave him a larger 'handout'.
This is just one example. It is something I did with a degree of conviction. But it finally became too much. Or would it be more accurate to say the enthusiasm, the motivation even, was wearing off? I was quite simply getting tired of it all. Bored.

N-B.
From my accounting point of view, I am concerned about how he handled my payments. LL must have declared everything from travel expenses to food and drink as work-related. If shooting with me is treated as work, then strictly speaking, my payments should also be declared. I estimate that I gave him more money for private accommodation, so I would at least expect some deductible income.

4. Absurdly specific costume requirements

This was also very difficult. I had to prepare a huge number of costumes, take selfies in them, show them to him and prepare the costumes that he chose as satisfying his wishes. This interaction took a lot of time and energy. My quickly depleting energy reserves often became just that - depleted. I would rather have given him the money to go and find outfits for me than be given vague, abstract or redundant orders. I remember many such exchanges. In that respect, I felt very comfortable working with street photography because I was not ordered to do anything in advance and, more importantly, it was outside and mostly at a safe distance from him. I loved street photography!

5. Forced to wear outfits I did not want to wear.

The defining moment would be what became the final shoot. I was presented with a flimsy, cheap-looking garter and told to put it on. I thought the main focus of the shoot was kimonos, so I didn't expect to wear such a flimsy, modern thing. I was fed up with his quirkiness and could not make any convincing facial expressions. We did the shoot, but the photos were terrible. When the garter broke, I felt relieved that I didn't have to shoot any more.

If he was going to bring such a strange costume, it would have been much better if I had prepared it myself. And why should I apologise? I think my relationship with LL was already on the verge of collapse. I received a message of criticism on this point.

From me (18 October 2019, 14:16)
I have received your photos! Thank you very much for your time. I am very happy, although I have a lot to reflect on.
Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

From LL (18 October 2019, 16:34).
I would be happy to do a shoot in December, when my work will be calmer. This shoot - I still liked the kimono. Akizuki didn't make much use of the location. The white dress was well lit and there were a number of photos I liked. What bothered me a little was the habit of lowering the corners of your mouth a little. You'll take care of that in the next shot right?

From me (18 October 2019, 16:46)
I'm sorry that I felt like I gave it my all in the kimono. I didn't realise the shadows were so beautiful... It seems I misunderstood the atmosphere. I will be careful next time.

Incidentally, I always wondered why, in terms of appearance, I thought the garter should be on top of the panties because it is not intended to be practical. However, LL did not listen, saying that the panties should be worn over the garter. I remember that in the end it didn't look good and I was finally instructed to take them off.

6. He sent me obscene photos of himself and other obscene printed material.

LL selected and processed his images. From these, he selected photos and sent me the print-outs and the image data on CD-Rs. I did not want to see images of me being abused, so I threw away half of the huge number of images he had printed. At the same time, I got rid of the costumes. The hardest part was having to do this with my mother. I felt very sorry for her. After all, it was she who had kindly paid for nearly all of them. Of course, she never saw the photographs.

Another point did not make sense to me. I didn't even understand why he wanted to work with sexual imagery in the first place. And it was his demand from the very beginning. It was all most disgusting. It was a terrible thing that words cannot even begin to describe. It was a form of sexual abuse and sexual assault. He used me as a guinea-pig and did all kinds of obscene things and performed sexual acts on me. I remember well that he said things like, 'It's not beautiful.' Maybe doing it was more important than the result; making the journey more important than arriving? Isn't the act itself a crime in the first place? LL will claim that he did these things with my consent. I never consented to these things. Coercion is not consent. I was intimidated.

And I certainly don't recognise the ugly, half-baked photographs as art. They were terrible, egoistic photographs that can only be said to have been taken according to his own desires and perversions for gratification. Full details are given on the last pages.

Let me describe what I was most angry about. What I was most angry about was that the quality was so low. Of course abusive behaviour is outrageous and unacceptable, but I was angry at the very poor quality of the photographs. I am abused in this way, and I am not happy about it. I'm also angry that I knew this and took the photos, LL knows I didn't want to do it. I think it's obvious in the photos. It's because I'm expressionless.

I was unwilling to be thought of as an LL exclusive model as I continued to look for someone to photograph me. So I remember desperately searching for them in places where I didn't have much contact with them. Eventually, due to a suicide attempt in 2015, I 'became stuck' and almost retired.
I have developed my own image of my activities by taking on board my expectations and those of people around me. I never talked about my photographic activities in private. In private, I was treated as a sick person who was in and out of mental hospitals. I had hoped to completely separate my private life from my online activities, and I guess you could say that to some extent it worked. On the other hand, the private entity of a small, vulnerable person was left behind. I suffered from that big gap.
And in 2019, something decisive happened. LL casually remarked, "You’re too old for this". This one comment triggered my decision to throw away a huge number of outfits. I'm not selling my youth in the first place, so what am I saying now? I guess you could call it a kind of tragic resolution. It gave rise to the criterion, 'What would this outfit look like on a 40-something?' In other words, up until then I had been wearing what I liked, regardless of my age. I was really sad when I threw away a lot of costumes that I had strong feelings for. I also got rid of some of the outfits by giving them to LL. I sent cardboard boxes on 4 December 2019. And he used the outfits  with other models.
I think these things go to demonstrating the bizarre situation I found myself in with him.

I am sure there were many more incidents but I will describe what I can recall. Photography required a tremendous amount of energy and, so to speak, I guess you could say that photography was my last will and testament. I can say this from the fact that I used to find it difficult to even get on a train, but I did my best to get ready for the shoots and travel to them. For me, it felt like an existential risk to my life.

I once told LL that I wanted to die. I remember very well that he said something like 'I will not allow suicide.' The important point here is not that he would allow 'me to die'. He said he would not allow 'suicide'.  I was very confused and discouraged. At the time I could not explain why I was confused, but now I can.
LL's behaviour  was tantamount to telling me to die, but in words he was telling me 'not to die'. I can definitely say that this contradiction caused me much suffering.

I still have my pride

When I look back at the sheer volume of photos from the past, I realise that I had a lot of good things in me too. I realised that I had a lot of good things to offer. All the experiences I had accumulated over the years in photography had not been in vain. I could say that I was making the most of it where I could and creating work that I was happy with. That is where I found value in my past.

But where LL was concerned, I could not make the most of it because I found myself in an increasingly overwhelming, hierarchical relationship and I gave up thinking. During the shoots, I just did as I was told. I never came up with an idea. I was always looking at his facial expression and quietly concentrating on what I thought he wanted. More than half of the shoots were totally unpleasant experiences.

How was I able to put up with it? I think because I weighed photography against death. And photography won. Compared to dying, the abuse is not a big deal. That's why I continued to put up with things I didn't like and the obscene things he forced me to do. I tried my best to maintain a distorted and in some ways wrong relationship. But all things change whether we like it or not.

To borrow a phrase from a female clinical psychologist who gave me a new perspective on the whole situation. 'I certainly wouldn't let him do a shoot with me!’ This was the obvious perspective that I had missed. Only then did I begin to fully realise what a dire situation I was in.

Photography is my proof of life, so in a way I was violently deprived of my reason for living. I sometimes wondered if it would have been better if I had never noticed this connection. I was on the verge of despair, thinking about life or death. I was literally wandering around bookshops, wondering what the purpose of life was, when Kamiya's book ‘On the Purpose of Life’ jumped out at me. And after reading the beginning of the book, I bought it without hesitation. After I started reading it, I carefully read Kamiya-san's loving and intelligent discussion on the meaning of life. Using Ms Kamiya's book as a textbook or indeed, as scripture, I read a lot of texts. And I gained a lot of new perspectives from various people through their writings.

I am very lonely. I have no social status. But I can think and feel. I have a limited body, but I can move it. My mind may not be healthy. But I have never done anything that I would feel guilty about.

What will I get out of writing about this? I don't think it will amount to much; I don't expect LL to react other than secretly. I am interpreting it in my own way; LL can't change himself anymore. He is a hard-headed ‘Rougai’ - an old man - who doesn't think of himself as an old man. No, this is about giving myself closure. I kept taking a hard look at myself and asking what was going on inside me. It's very painful, but I intend to work through it. Being alone means that I have nothing to lose. But I don't want to do anything destructive. It is a necessary ritual to say goodbye to 19 years, 19 years accompanied by a longing for death.

About the #MeToo movement

I think there are parallels with the #MeToo movement. But as this movement grew, I felt myself becoming a bystander. I had a very third-party impression of how difficult it was and how sorry I was. I learnt first-hand that it is difficult to realise when you are right in the middle of the vortex. Brainwashing is incredibly frightening. And I think it took me a long time to realise it, partly because of the separation symptoms and the fact that my memory is so fuzzy.
All I can hope for is that there is no more damage like this. I want to see fewer people suffering from depression. If there were people suffering around me, I would give them advice based on my own experiences and my own ideas. And now I have one more wish. That fewer people suffer from being forced to be in the middle of such an unequal relationship.

Prejudice against models

After these realisations, I began to wonder whether what I had been subjected to was a crime. So, on 8 October 2021, I consulted the Japan Legal Support Centre (Houterasu) who directed me to the Crime Victims' Support Centre. The lawyer there told me some prejudiced and terrible things. The gist of what the lawyer said was - Without solid evidence such as audio or video, these people will always claim that they had consent, so it's useless. Be careful from now on.

He laughed at me and said that I had given a vague explanation because I was upset. I wondered if this was secondary damage. Then I realised that the public's opinion of me was like this, as expected. I do my shoots with pride. This is nothing for anyone to make fun of - neither photographers, my lawyer nor my family. Although I was treated very badly, the activity itself should not be denied. No one has the right to make fun of my hobby, my purpose in life.

Furthermore, on 15 November 2021, I learnt that I could consult via chat and did so. I have difficulty making phone calls because I am extremely averse to telephones. However, there was a delay and things didn't go as planned. On 1 December of the same year, I felt obliged to make an accusation on my blog. The following year, in January 2022, I consulted my sister. She consulted her husband, who is a lawyer, and I consulted the lawyer on 4 January. At that time, I had photos as evidence, but I was in no condition to show them. I then asked that the images on LL's website be removed. He generally did as I wished, but not everything disappeared. I felt very empty and like I was going through a pointless and painful time. Although I didn't have flashbacks, the physical and mental damage was severe. I often had difficulty breathing. Sometimes I would suddenly burst into tears and could not stop. I had to check and delete photos, search for messages and gather all such data myself. Even now, that process is still very painful. All that time I had been reading books in search of words that I could speak. After a lot of thinking and action, I decided that the only way was to ask him directly, so on 28 August of that year I gathered the courage to ask him directly, via Messenger, what he thought of my blog post.

The reply I got from LL was.

From LL (29 August 2022, 22:13)
'Long time no see. I hope you are well. Please give me some time to read it slowly and then I will write my thoughts.'

I waited for a while, but he ignored me for a long time. I had no choice but to ask, this time on LL's Facebook page.

'I'm terribly sorry to be on a different subject, but I asked you to give me your thoughts on my blog about LL. But I haven't received it for a long time. How long do I have to wait?"

The post was quickly deleted, on 15 December 2022. A panicked message then follows.

From LL (16 December 2022, 14:56)
'I am very sorry for the delay in replying.
I had to search through old e-mails and messages because the contents you gave me were unexpected, but it took a lot of time and I couldn't reply as I wanted to. I have also been told by your lawyer that you are not in a position to talk about the facts, so I will shelve that and write my thoughts on the matter.
When I received your first message, I thought you were writing because your family and loved ones told you to and you had no choice, so I first changed your name to lower the search, but I was shocked to find that this was not the case.
You modelled for me for about 15 years. I am very grateful for the many times you have come to my overnight location shoots. I was surprised because I believed I had a good relationship with the model I had photographed the most, and it was hard from the beginning, but I am ashamed of my own lack of awareness. I deeply regret that I lacked the ability to discern people's feelings. For that I must apologise. The only thing that bothered me was that another model, one of whom I had photographed, had been verbally abusive, and I believed that everything else was going well with her too.
I just don't necessarily accept some of the facts about what was written, but I won't get into that. I was looking forward to asking you to model again once Covid-19 had settled down, but I am sorry to hear that. Thank you for everything you have done for me."
(Some of the meaning is not clear in the original text, so it has been corrected accordingly in the English translation.)

(Author's note: I did not want to mention this model. That is why I did not want to include the original text. I would like to state that I was indeed slandered but did not intend to bring it up now or blame her. LL did try to blame this woman.)

My reply (Author's note: The message is used from a computer and is sent when the enter key is pressed. The message is therefore split.)

'There is one thing - I would like you to acknowledge what you did to me. It was nothing less than domination, sexual harassmen and sexual violence. I never consented to this.
I want to be convinced. I want to hear your side of the story. It doesn't matter to me what you say about how you thought things were going. That is something you were convinced of on your own, not my problem. Why did you do that?
Please don't delete your Facebook posts. Do you feel guilty?
By the way, there are a lot of misspellings and things I don't understand."

From LL
'I disagree with your opinion about 'sexual violence and power harassment and sexual harassment'. I don't understand your questions because they are not specific, and I have erased posts elsewhere that are not related to the Facebook theme."

From me
'For now, I'll change the question today, it's the same as the #MeToo movement. You admit that you had sexual intercourse with me. I did not consent to it. The harassment is for what I thought it was. It is almost all your conduct. I can give you specific examples. Over the years you have engaged in harassing behaviour. You have taken advantage of your position.

People with power are very defensive. I know I won't get a satisfactory answer, but I am disappointed. You once wrote on FB that the perpetrator bargains with the victim. It is extremely ironic. You were bargaining with me.
Please answer this - Why did you do that to me? I want to hear your version.

(Author's note: form of quoting LL messages.)

So write on FB about a subject, about me or about sexual violence.

Shortly after this exchange, I was blocked.

Causality

Can you produce satisfactory work in these kinds of situations? Can you produce anything other than average work? I want to ask the question. And I want to present the answers I have come up with.

Needless to say, it is clear from the huge number of photographs I have thrown away that the answer is no. Whichever way I approach it, the overall quality is very poor. This judgement is based solely on the photographs. I would not even want to call them ‘art'. Of course there are some that I like but on the other hand, I am at a loss as to how to describe the photographs I have thrown away. I think they are indeed obscene garbage fit only for the trash can.

LL is clearly not the artist he thinks he is. He is an anachronistic photography enthusiast who is unable to take photographs of people. Perhaps he is better suited to taking photographs alone. I cannot understand why he continues to update his Facebook page even after I wrote and published a blog of my accusations. Why is a criminal living a normal life, appreciating art, showing off his cooking skills and even holding a photo exhibition? I couldn't understand how he was respected as a 'brilliant artist and a man of virtue'. In my opinion, and the opinion of others, he is a criminal sociopath.

The tragedy for me is that there were so few people who would give me ‘due process'. And there were not enough people who took 'average' photos of me. I think it all boils down to the fact that I assumed photography was as necessary for life as air. I was convinced that without it I would die and LL cleverly took advantage of this pure, if naive, 'thought' of mine. This cannot be overstated.

My working relationship with LL may be difficult for others to understand. I would like to simplify it. For me, shooting is 'work'. But with LL it was all harassment and no fun at all. It might be a little easier to understand if I look at the photos sent to me by LL as 'money', a transaction that covered my work. Furthermore, the photographs are nourishment for the rest of my life. I often say that I was killed twice, and this is what I mean. My past and my means of survival for the future have been destroyed.

I have put everything into photography since I started working. In my opinion, this can be proved by the fact that I never married and never actively had a partner. Once my nudes were published, this Japanese knew it was impossible. And I thought I was significantly tainted. I was struggling to reach the goal, which was death, and the shooting that immediately preceded it.

Some might say that if you are a free-lance model, you know the dangers. But that is a different issue from this. I only wanted photographs, of course, not violence or harassment.

LL's pernicious behaviour continued for a long time. There was never anything positive in it at all. For a long time he undermined me, humiliated me and gradually turned me towards the energy of death.

In fact, I wanted to die and had attempted suicide many times. This kind of violence was and is extremely damaging to my body and soul. When I realised this, I thought I had become a completely different person. I had sacrificed my past, my body, my photographs and even my money. All that remained was a vast collection of photographs. I felt that everything I had been, and would be, had been destroyed.

And I am convinced there are other victims of LL’s depravity. To prevent further damage, I want him to start by admitting his guilt. And I want him to stop this kind of behaviour immediately.

Questions for LL

1, What was your image of me? A dim-witted woman who could be exploited, a good payer, an easy touch, literally and figuratively, a convenient model who never complained?

2, How aware were you of what you were actually doing to me personally? Can you explain why the rape stopped when I began to pay you?

3, Looking back, what do you think of your actions and your behaviour towards me?

4, Why did you rape me? If you claim there was consent, then by all means rephrase it as 'why did you have sex with me'?

5, If you are claiming there was consent, what evidence do you have? For example, that it was something I wanted. If you thought I was enjoying it, show me just one photo of me enjoying myself.

I would very much like to read your answers. Because they are facts that I cannot know. No matter how much I think, I have no idea what your answers could be. That is why I am asking you directly. In the Messenger exchange described above, I said "I want to hear your side of the story", which encompasses all these questions. I think "not being specific" is completely missing the point in response to that question. If you didn't know, you could have asked me the question, I would have been prepared to answer.

LL has clearly got away with it - so far.

At the end

I have no intention of giving up. I have always had an expiry date. Fat or old, I am still just me. I do not think that aging is a bad thing. In the days when death was something I longed for, it was also something I wished for, because getting older is getting closer to death. Ultimately, photography is, for me, about whether I'm happy with it or not. I want to preserve every moment of the present.

It is very important for people who are in a distorted environment like mine to first become aware of it. I think it's good to start by realising that there are other perspectives, other options. And that the world is a very big place. I want to tell you that there is always somewhere that accepts you.
Through this experience I have realised something.

It is the state of the law: 'Why should we not do these things? Such behaviour kills both the victim's mind and body. So we must not do it. It is a common promise. It is very important to keep such a promise and that it must not be allowed. The perpetrator must not escape. If there is someone close to me who is suffering from a crime, I want to be there for them. That is my hope and position.

Furthermore, I would like to say to victims who tend to be disconnected from society (actually I don't want to use the word 'victims', but I will for the sake of convenience). that society is not as 'abandoning' or as dismissive as you might think. I want to tell them that there are always people who will find you and listen to you. You probably think that society is very dangerous and unsafe. I think so too. But I want to tell you that there is another world out there. Please don't be overwhelmed by painful feelings but rebuild a safe world of your own that you can control. That is my own goal.

I also want to thank the photographers who cared for me. I know that there were not many of them around me, but I know that they are definitely there. I want to thank them. Thank you for supporting me. I would also like to respect those who respect their models, regardless of whether they are professionals or amateurs. I think that makes them  real photographers.

I would like to thank the clinical psychologist who patiently provided a safe and secure place for me in the midst of my darkness and confusion, supporting me as light and shadow. And my friend T, who supported me without my knowing it when I tended to isolate myself, without whom I would have been in the dark and on the verge of death for a long time. And S, whom I've never met but who lives abroad, who named me the 'new me' and tried to break my rigid framework. And A, who told me that 'models make art', and it's my big goal to go and meet them. Finally, M, who read and understood my poor blog post written in Japanese, recognised me, praised me and constantly encouraged and empowered me. This text came out of a lot of dialogue. I am very grateful to him for undertaking to write the English version. Without them, I would have been in the dark and with death for a long time.

And then I came across the book 'On the Purpose of Life', which was a ray of light. Ms Kamiya was the light itself for me.
It is not that my longing for death has disappeared; it is just that I need to shift the direction of my 180-degree turn towards death, even if only a little. I am writing to do this. It was pointed out to me that I have already changed direction. From now on I intend to live a little more constructively.

I would like to end with a quote from Kamiya-san.

Why am I writing this?

Some people reading this may say, why did you wait until now? Or why did I not say anything at the time? Firstly, I did not know that his behaviour constituted a punishable offence. Secondly, I knew there were limits to consent. And the difficulty in making phone calls and connecting to the various agencies is still my biggest challenge today. It should be added that mobility is difficult. I have consulted the relevant agencies in my own way. And at every turn I have been met with ambiguity.

What has been done to me, has been silenced. I have been silenced. I cannot pretend that this has not happened. This is all proven by the photographs. This is a matter of my beliefs. That is why I am writing. And fortunately I am not bound by anything. So I can express myself freely.

I want to listen to the nameless voices of those who have been or are still being silenced, those who have no voice. I want to say that I am the same.
And I want to say something important. Those who have been affected do not have to act in the same way as me at all. Nor do they need to speak out. I do not wish to be anyone's norm. I just had to find my own way and do it.

And to those who have confided in you about the damage around you, perhaps you might be surprised by something sudden and unexpected. Or it may be exactly as you imagined it would be and not surprise you. However, the way a violent event is received and how it affects the person is different for everyone. Please assume that everyone has had traumatic experiences. This does not mean that you should give them a great deal of consideration, but simply that you should hear them out. Please don't just say things like "it happens all the time", "it's your fault too" or "let's just forget about it and move on". That is basic public health and that is the world I wish to see.

He has the gall to consider himself a good enough photographer to hold photography classes. And how many of his young, female  students has he propositioned to take obscene photos like the ones he took of me? I hope they read this or hear about it through the Tokyo grapevine.

To those in positions of power

To those in positions of authority. I would like you to be more aware of the power you have. Always be aware that you may be wielding power without realising it. I would like you to look back on your behaviour one by one and judge how you behaved. I want you to stop and think for a moment about how your behaviour is affecting the other person. If we don't realise this power structure, the same mistakes will only be repeated. If this is not changed, the nature of the industry, and ultimately society, will not be able to cleanse itself. I hope that the same mistakes will not be repeated. Just being aware of this will make a big difference. It's not too late. First of all, I want you to realise how you behave. And I don't want any more victims like me. Sexual violence is a crime that can always happen to people close to you, regardless of gender. First of all, we must have a common awareness that this is unacceptable. This should lead to a better future.

My defence - acquiescence is not consent.

After all this time, I don't remember that much of his abusive behaviour but I have plenty of his photos to remind me - photos that he sent me of this behaviour.

First of all, I want you to understand that I never looked forward to meeting him at all. He was always overbearing and I wasn't allowed to behave as I would have liked as a model. I even hesitated to take out my smartphone, for example; the atmosphere was always that tense.

Generally, he would order me to model for his photos. At this point, the first thing I immediately thought was: "This is a hassle. What should I do about these outfits he wanted?". The shooting itself was a big burden for me and sometimes I had to refuse because I was unwell. Of course, the shooting trips were also a huge burden. I usually had to cover all travel expenses, prepare the outfits and take a lot of luggage with me.

I have only mentioned outfits. I also suggested locations. But generally my suggestions were not taken up. Even here, I was never respected. And he decided the content of the shoot itself. This was because he "only shoots what he wants to shoot". I know this because he often said so publicly. So when it comes to shooting, it was he who took the initiative. So-called 'orders as instructions'.

He then said, "Let's shoot something sexy this time". What this meant was that it included nude shoots. I have mentioned above that when it comes to his studio and indoor shoots, I had to prepare a huge number of outfits, and I was exhausted by the interaction because I prepared most of them, but he just complained.

I like some of the photos because I take pride in my nudity but only the so-called 'decent pictures'.

But then, he would tie me up and molest me. I had no experience at all at that time, so I thought 'Is this a new way of expressing myself?' and tried my best to do it in my own way. In the photos I had the face of a model. This was not something I wanted to do at all, as it simply hurt and the photos were not good. And I rapidly lost interest.

I talked about this time in counselling. It was then that the clinical psychologist - a woman - said, 'I would never let him take these photos of me!' This was in 2021 and it was not until she said this that I fully realised my predicament.

The act of touching my breasts or my vagina or putting his hand in my mouth doesn't make any photographic sense at all and the memory is fading. Now there are only photographs and I think I saw what I was doing at the time as a form of expression that I was forced to accept as being part of my job.

I think I then began paying him because I was very uncomfortable with him touching me. I was also paying him because at the time I had made a number of suicide attempts and had completely lost my confidence, both mentally and physically. Originally, it was my mother's suggestion; she asked me to give money to 'LL sensei' In my own way, I was trying to reduce the acts of harassment. And as a result, there was no more intimate touching. But this did not stop the bondage shoots.

Lastly, I cannot remember the rapes so I don't even know if he ejaculated. Only he knows that. I did not worry about pregnancy, assuming that some form of contraception was being used. Still, I don't think he was wearing a condom. At this point I was thinking, 'Is this my fault, that I am doing nude shoots and being raped?' So I was filled with a sense of despair and self-loathing. The rapes were like a storm and I just hoped the storm would pass soon.

And I was terribly miserable and exhausted. Shooting with him was always like that. I longed for it to be over as soon as possible. I was relieved when the shoot was over. In other words, any photographer was fine as long as they got my photos right and it wasn't him.

So to say that there was consent because I didn't resist makes no sense. I was scared. I was physically helpless because of the bondage, and at the same time mentally helpless because of his desire to be dominant. Further, I have since learnt that many rape victims offer no resistance in order to minimise the physical violence to their bodies and to put an end to the rape as quickly as possible. People who have had a traumatic experience will go into a so-called freeze state. When encountering a traumatic event, people have the physiological response of fight or flight or freeze. I had no choice but to freeze. It is no wonder I have no memory of it. And consent is not a difficult issue. We can think of extra-linguistic consent, which does not require our usual commonplace 'yes'.
In this case, it is a complete deviation. He put me in a situation where I couldn't say no and it makes no sense at all to say there was 'consent'. The expert said.

Acquiescence is most certainly not consent!

My view

LL's modus operandi is based entirely on entrapment. He first selects immature, naive victims who probably won't complain. He is very selective and very careful in this respect. His victims are probably similar - mentally unstable and prone to being victimised. He then exaggerates his own authority by referring to himself as a professional photographer, the underlying meaning being that therefore, they should submit to his wishes. Then, through humiliation, sexual abuse and even sexual assault, explained away as being instruction on how to pose for him, the objectification of his victims is finally achieved. The key to this is misleading his victims into believing that they have actually consented. By desensitizing * them, he leaves them feeling guilty, vulnerable and alone.


At this point, his victims have already lost any further will to refuse; consensual or not, it doesn't matter. As his victims are now desensitized, it is much easier for him to abuse and rape them and call that consensual too.

*There is no Japanese translation for desensitization. The effect is one of lowering my resistance. In the end I have no resistance at all. Many people find this very difficult to understand.

In my case, I made futile attempts to put the working relationship on an equal footing by covering his expenses and giving him cash payments for the shoots. The hope was that as long as LL and I were equals, he could not refute my complaints.

Perhaps there was some in his mind, 'I did it because they wanted me to, so I had no choice', etc. In any case, he was depriving his victims of a voice. And he probably forgot that, in fact, each one of them was an individual. There were certainly others who were abused in varying degrees. Like a child who gets carried away with his first toy and destroys it, he actually keeps on destroying models he can't get his hands on.

LL will be 75 years old in 2024.

I will not access the internet once I have published the Japanese and English versions at the same time. Or I will be hospitalized. I don't want to worry about what impact this will have, or if there will be nothing at all. In other words, I want you to assume that there will be no online contact with me. In my previous blog post, I created a dedicated website and also mentioned my real name.  It is a confession as good as my death. This is where my Karin story ends.

November, 2023
Karin

Addendum

As a Westerner and the English language editor of this blog, I feel strongly that her narrative is too circumspect, too Japanese. I fully respect her approach, because any inclusion of salacious detail in the main body of the blog would have detracted from its main focus - namely her accusations. At the same time, she also feels that she is doing herself a great disservice by leaving so much up in the air, being the only one knowing and feeling the damage and trauma caused by this so-called professional photographer. She stopped short of specific detail leaving the reader wondering all these years later - OK OK but what was it he actually did to her that was so terrible?

With K's consent, only the most horrific of many more incidents are briefly recounted. It is clear from her narrative that her shoots were the work of a pathetically weak and impotent man who enjoyed harassing, and mentally and physically controlling, his models; in this case, a suggestible, naive young woman. And there were absolutely more of them.

• LL is an acronym for Low-Life. We decided against using his real initials.

K’s specific complaints/allegations against LL

Photographic evidence is available on request, but only to those with a lawful interest and/or legal authority.

• 14 October 2005, first, studio shoot.
  Arms tied behind my back, suspended from a beam. Nude.

• 19 March 2006, second time, with assistant, studio shoot.
  Suspended from a beam with rope, wrists tied, arms secured with Saran wrap, arms, legs and ankles tied, hung from left ankle with head down. Nudity.

• 25 December 2006, third time, Gothic Lolita shoot, in my apartment
  He demanded that I touch his hand. Forced to show my vagina, was touched without my consent, photographs taken of my vagina, arms tied, torture device on my face, forced to insert bottle into my vagina. One of the photographs from this shoot was used in the book version.

• 31 December 2006, Studio shoot
  Upper-body bondage, upper body naked.

• 28 February 2007, Shinjuku love hotel shoot
  Demanded that I suck his little finger, touched the inside of my mouth, touched my nipples, touched my vagina, touched my tongue then forced me to perform fellatio. Then he raped me. Then bondage shoots. Hands and legs tied, feet and torso tied, mini-vices on both nipples and tongue, gagged and tied behind my back, strings tied around both nipples and forced into my mouth, torture devices on both nipples, forced to put adult toys in my vagina.

• 16 April 2007, Studio shoot
  Nude bondage shoot, touching my tongue with his fingers, touching my vagina. Forced to spread my legs.

• 22 February 2008, Apartment shoot
  Forced to take off my underwear because I was ‘not wearing it correctly’. He licked my breasts, my vagina, I was forced to touch my vagina, forced to touch his genitals. He touched my tongue first. He offered me his finger; he wanted me to lick it. He then put them in my mouth and stroked the inside of my mouth. Then he pinched my nipples and touched my breasts. Then he forced me to spread my legs. He forced me to touch my genitals. Then he insisted on me adopting what yoga practitioners call 'a happy baby' pose.  Then he forced me to touch my vagina.
  I don't remember if there was any sexual activity, but it is highly likely that there was.

• 20 August 2008, Shibuya Japanese-style hotel shoot
  Kimono, bondage shoot, tied me to the desk. Forced to put torture device on my face, hanging candles. Wax play.

• 16 March 2009, in my apartment
  Nude bondage shoot, tied restrictively with hemp rope all over my body, arms and ankles, gagged, finally flowers inserted into my mouth and vagina. at which point he said 'it's not beautiful'. I don’t remember if there was any sexual activity, but it is highly likely that there was. 　

• 22 May 2009, Outdoor shoot
  He wouldn't stop shooting even though my feet were bleeding. No photographs of bleeding feet.

• 3 February 2010, Studio shoot
  Suspended upside down, using an unfit-for-purpose cord. It broke and I fell on my head, concussion. There are no photographs of the fall.

• 30 March 2010, Studio shoot
  Lesbian shoot. Nude.

• 11 August 2010, My defamation began online. For approximately three years as far as can be ascertained from this date.

• 3 December 2010, Studio shoot
  Chains hanging from a beam, suspended by the neck and one leg.

• 9-10 December 2010, 2 day and 1 night trip. dunes, hot-spring inns, and a former power station.　

• 9 December 2010, hot spring inn. same room.

• 10 December 2010, hot spring inn.
  Nagajuban (long kimono) and nude. Obi hung from the beam, tied and suspended. Forced to show my vagina. Close-up photographs of my vagina. At this time, about ¥30,000 was paid for accommodation and as a thank you.

• 29 January 2011, in my apartment
  Lesbian bondage shoot. Seminude.

• 30 May 2011, Studio shoot.
  Lesbian bondage shoot. Nude.

• 8 December 2011, Love hotel shoot
  Forced to have vaginal piercing, close-ups of my vagina. Suddenly he was hugging me and then he raped me (no photos).

• 26 March 2012 , Wedding dress in the snow.
  Nudity at the end. Very cold. Many good photos, but one photo led to slander. Another model attempted suicide for some reason.

• 26 April 2012, in my apartment
  Lingerie shoot, cosplay then nude shoot, forced to spread my legs, penetration shoot, then tied up, forced to perform sex acts including fellatio, bondage shoot. He raped me twice.

• 18 August 2012, his student's studio.
  A student asks him for written instructions about setting up her studio. I remember the instructions he gave her were very scary. I think this is how he ruled with fear. My model photos for this meeting were not good.

• 7 February 2013, Snow-covered mountain
  Nudity at the end. Very cold.

• 8-9 March 2013, 2 day and 1 night trip. Shooting Trip in Kyoto
  30,000 yen for accommodation and a thank-you note.

• 28 March 2013: I buy camera housing
  I bought an Olympus XZ-1 underwater housing case on Rakuten Ichiba and sent it directly to LL. The price of the case is 26,770 yen. Because LL had an Olympus XY-1. Detailed statement available.

• 17 April 2013, Studio shoot
  Despite telling him I was menstruating, he shot me in my underwear. Finally, my hands and feet are tied and my whole body is suspended from a beam. The napkin is in full view.

• 21 May 2013: underwater test shoot, hotel with pool in Shibuya
  Underwater test shoot, I prepared a huge number of costumes. Nude. And I paid him for the shoot. Probably around 5,000 yen.

• 6 August 2013: underwater shoot, hotel in Chiba.
  Underwater shooting, nude in the room. I paid him for the shoot - 10,000 yen.

• 25-28 August 2013: 4 days and 3 nights trip. Nara, shooting at the Setouchi Triennale.
  Shooting in Nara, then moving on to shoot the Setouchi International Art Festival.
  ¥ 50,000 for accommodation and thank-you, transportation and costumes on my own.

• 1 December 2013, I attempted suicide
  I almost succeeded; I was unconscious in Intensive Care for three days.I was then transferred to a psychiatric hospital.

*From this time onwards I rapidly lost confidence and certainly started to pay him thank-you money in order to create some kind of balance in our working relationship.

• 5 - 11 December 2013, Group exhibition.
  My photos  would be exhibited. I was not able to see the exhibition as I was in hospital.

• 21 March 2014, snow-covered mountains.
  I had to change in the snow. The dress was thin, the weather was very bad and it was very cold. I knew exactly what it felt like to freeze to death. The footing was bad, he had prepared Kanjiki (snowshoes) and I was wearing them. The cold made me lose my senses and I lost one of the snowshoes. I remember being blamed for that. The pictures were not good.

• 25 April 2014, I buy a housing case
  I bought a DSLR (Canon Eos Kiss X5) and a waterproof case because LL told me he would not shoot underwater unless it was an SLR.
  I bought a waterproof housing case for Sanko Canon EOS600 (EOS Kiss X5) Camera Camera Accessories Waterproof Case JPY 59,480. Detailed statement available.

• 24 July 2014, underwater shoot, hotel in Chiba.
  I prepared a vast array of costumes and paid him a thank you of 10,000 yen. All equipment for underwater photography was provided by me.

• 18 Feb 2015, I attempted suicide
  I attempt suicide. I decided outside, hoping to freeze to death; unconscious for 10 days. Later transferred to a psychiatric unit.

• 13 May 2015, Kanegafuchi, street shooting.
  I just got discharged from the hospital, it was very difficult for me. I paid him about 3,000 yen as a thank you.

• 18 Aug 2015, underwater photography.
  All equipment for underwater photography was provided by me. I paid him 10,000 yen as a thank you.

• 13 July 2016, Studio shoot.
  Suspended upside down by both ankles using chains hanging from beams. Lingerie and nudity. I paid him about 3,000yen as a thank you.

• 25 Aug 2016, yukata shoot, Mogusaen.
  Around 3,000 yen as a thank you for the shoot.

• 27 Oct 2016, Outdoor shoot, Shinjuku.
  Around 3,000 yen as a thank you for the shoot.

• 5 June 2017, street shooting, Musashikosugi.
  Probably around ¥3,000 - ¥5,000 as a thank you.

• 30-31 July 2017, 2 day and 1 night trip. Yokkaichi arcade shooting.

• 30 July 2017, stay at Toyoko Inn, Nagoya. Same room.
  Meet in Nagoya in the evening. We stayed in a twin room at the Toyoko Inn. Same room.

• 31 July 2017, Yokkaichi arcade shooting.
  Costume requirements were also very detailed and difficult at this time. The cost of accommodation and a thank you is about 30,000 yen.

• 9 Aug 2017 , Underwater photography, nude shooting.
  Underwater photography. Nudes for his solo exhibition. He exhibited without a face, as it was too much trouble to get permission. Four of my photographs were used. I could not go to see them. They are still on the website. I asked my lawyer to erase them, but he didn't. I paid him 10,000 yen. All equipment for underwater photography was provided by me.

• 1-7 Feb 2018, Group exhibition.
  My photographs were exhibited. Due to ill health I could not attend.
  

• 15 Nov 2018, Outdoor shoot in Kawasaki.
  About 3,000 - 5,000 yen as a thank you.

• 8 - 10 September 2019, 2 day and 1 night trip. Kyushu shooting

• 8 September 2019, Meet at Kitakyushu Airport, separate room, airfare and hotel on my own.

• 9 September 2019, Usuki kimono shoot, followed by white one-piece shoot at a hotel.
  Kimono hire paid for by him, about 4,000 yen. A little shooting at the hotel, I brought a transparent white one-piece, forced to take it off because the petticoat I was wearing underneath was in the way. Stayed in the same room.

• 10 September 2019, Last, underwear shooting at a hotel in Usuki, shopping street in Fukuoka.
  
  Forced to wear underwear he brought, worst. Told that the garter belt is not the correct way to wear it. He says that the correct way is to wear panties over the garter. In terms of appearance it is not right. I didn't want to wear these things in the first place and if he was going to bring them, he should have let me know. I put it on in disgust and eventually I was instructed to gradually remove my panties. This shoot was all wrong and when the suspenders broke, I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to wear any more of these weird costumes.
  
  I would like to mention the final farewell scene.
  I remember it well. I had met up in Amagi for the next shoot. And I was going to the side of the road to wait for the car. That's when he said: 'No need to see me off'. I wondered at his over-confidence, his arrogance. I wanted to tell him that I had no intention of seeing him off not even one millimetre.
  
  I need to state this many times because it is important to me.
  And I paid him about 30,000 for accommodation and as a thank you!
  
  And he complained later and, as a Japanese, I felt obliged to apologise.

Proof reader’s notes

Female subservience taken for granted
Fellatio shot - K on knees. Very symbolic.
Misogynistic perversions many times
Misogynistic sadism many times
All bondage of the kinds seen in many of the photos leaves the victim defenceless. Perfect for an inadequate human being who purports to be a professional photographer.
Criminally misogynistic sadism x2
A sick human-being, a desperate little man

Postscript

LL's modus operandi is to create an environment in which he feels more adequate and more confident with girls. That is, he calls himself a professional photographer, so he is able to create situations for photo shoots.

Taking advantage of the pretty model's naiveté and susceptibility, he photographs her nude and eventually exploits her sexually with lust and pornography-fueled assaults. He feels more sexually valid by engaging in sexual advances that are ultimately consummated  - otherwise known as rape.

He records all or most of it with his camera. In our case, he then sent photographic prints of his exploitation to the victim. Why? To prove something? To prove his superiority and masculinity? To whom? To himself?

As trophies? She still has hundreds of his photos, his trophies.

LL is clearly a weak, incompetent, manipulative, insidious sexual pervert. He takes photos of the girls solely to satisfy his own desire to experience and record these perversions, completely ignoring the mental damage and feelings of the models. Misogynist?

In his world, he seems to gain more power from witnessing and documenting the pain and shame of his models.

October, 2023
Tokyo