BGM: Orbital - Belfast (David Holmes Remix)

I have three days off from today to Monday. This morning, I went to the library to borrow a Japanese feminist/sociologist Chizuko Ueno's book as usual. After that, I went to AEON, where I started thinking about various things such as how I should learn feminism from now, this age (49!).

Even now, I never say I am a feminist because ANYTIME I have to go back to a simple fact. In me, a huge delusion/desire is there, which causes the reaction as a response toward sexual essences. In other words, I am a kind of beastie guy - at least, I can't forget/ignore that fact.

Maybe, therefore - because I have to face the fact that I am male (I have never wished to be born as a male who has a "b----" between my legs) once I even tried to become a kind of machine that doesn't have any sexuality. Yes, NOW I can see that must be impossible - but that could be the meaning of youthful passion in my life.

After that youth period, I started physical work, which has certainly/eventually taught me that I don't have to "erase" the fact that I am male. Or, I don't need to feel guilty about being male. Now, my interest has shifted from that poor stage to this. How to accept my sexuality as one of my precious identities (such as autistic, Japanese, etc), but not "invade" others' rights?

Looking back to my traumatic period, I try to think like this: maybe, those miserable school days could have built a kind of logical aspect in my personality because I had thought that logical thinking could "rule" every communication - I would become a winner if I literally could defeat others by logic. OH BULLSHIT! Like Trent Reznor (even though I must not be such a genius as him), in a way my passion made me become a kind of "pretty hate machine" in the middle of this world (maybe you were reminded of Dostoevsky by this journal?)

In a way, once I tried to become an angel or any higher creature who can "observe" this human world. Now, I am trying to become a member of this society. Could I become an adult at last? A human being who has various identities, and paradoxical ideologies/policies in this head... a really "confusing" guy.