This is not an easy story to tell, but it's something that tends to bother me every so often. This is purely my own perspective from my own personal experiences of being a foreigner living and working in Japan. Not everyone will have the same insights or experiences as me, so please keep that in mind.

I first came to Japan as an international exchange student in 2001 for a full school year during my 3rd year of college. I had such an amazing time, met so many great people, that I was literally in tears the whole flight home when the term was over. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my English degree, but I knew, without a doubt, that I wanted to get back to Japan.

The easiest way for me, with an English / Creative Writing degree, was to become an ESL teacher. Since I went to school in Nagoya, I really wanted to go back to "my old stomping ground". I found a teaching position at a private English school for kids, a school and company in which I worked at for nearly seven years. I enjoyed the work, I enjoyed my life at the time, and I was actually looking forward to the future with my boyfriend at the time.

Suffice it to say, things change. We broke up and I was devastated. I fell in to a horrible bout of depression and couldn't enjoy the things that I loved. I needed a drastic change. So, I quit my job and moved to Yokohama, hoping to start a new life from scratch again.

I worked at a rather large English school chain that used "acting" as its main method to teach. It had its moments, but most of which were unpleasant. I stayed through the end of my contract before switching jobs.

My next job was a first for me--actual ALT work at a private all-girl's school. I was put in charge of making the curriculum for all 3 levels of junior high, which was a daunting task for me, but I was extremely grateful to the other native English teachers who helped me through everything. Overall, I really enjoyed working at this school, especially since I was actively participating in the "Keion Club". The kids were practicing a lot of English songs, so I sang a lot and helped them with the English. It was a blast!

But unfortunately, my contract was through a "Haken" or dispatch company, so I had no direct contact with the school itself. My contract was with the dispatch company whereas the dispatch company had their own contract with the school. The hole system is beyond complicated and it rarely ever works in the benefit of the actual employee aka me.

My initial contract was only for one term (4 months, through the end of July), but I was later able to extend it through the end of the school year. I was offered to work through the end of July again, but wasn't able to continue beyond that because the school was planning on reworking their English department by bringing in a professor from their sister school in Canada. The whole reason why I was able to extend my contract before was because that teacher wasn't able to come as quickly as expected, so by the time she was able to come, that meant I would be out of a job.

Next: Finding teaching work from August is extremely difficult since it's partly through the school year. It's not impossible, but you're unlikely to find anything at actual public or private schools. You're more likely to find something at corporate or privately run "Eikaiwa" or English Conversation Schools, which generally do not pay very well. I was luckily able to find a job at one such school, but the hours were horrible: 1:30-10:00pm. I didn't mind having my mornings to myself, but as a night-owl, I probably wouldn't actually sleep until 4 or 5am and get up around noon. This really upset my personal life since I love to go to concerts and such that usually always take place around 7pm, so I could never do anything "fun" while working this job. I did, however, get a ton of personal translation work done for my site during this time, so I suppose in that case it was good; merely the sacrifice was too much for me.

I got job through another dispatch agency at a pretty prestigious private, all-girls school in Tokyo...but my experience there was probably the absolute worst of them all. Overall, my students were rude and lazy. Life in the teachers office was a living hell where other teachers either passively ignored you or blatantly refused to treat us as equals. I had one native co-worker, so I absolutely had to get along with her or else life would be even more hell. I think we were able to work well enough together but we never became friends, and that's okay. I couldn't say the same for nearly the entire faculty. I had one other good teacher friend there, so she helped me get through some hard times. Very grateful to her for that, but she left the school during my second year...so that entire year was an entire nightmare.

I was MORE than happy to leave that toxic workplace. Unlike the previous private girls school where I had taught, there was *nothing* that I actually missed about teaching there. I do miss some of my good students, but that's it.

Next I signed another contract with a dispatch agency to work at a 3 branch kindergarten halfway between Shizuoka and Yokohama. Commute one way was probably about an hour and a half door-to-door, and I had to be at school by 8am... so that would often mean me leaving the house at six or shortly after. This job, however, I was able to leave at 4pm, so that gave me more freedom later in the day, but the pay was also not good to even sustain my extracurricular activities. 

I worked one year at a start-up English school and I really enjoyed it up until a certain point when my brain and heart for the career utterly broke. I felt like I was given more responsibilities for the title--and pay--of a mere teacher. I designed the curriculum, made the lesson plans, worksheets, everything necessary for class plus I managed other native teachers, wrote job listings for more part-timers, screened potential candidates, interviewed people, and basically hired teachers myself. I really enjoyed the management side of things, but doing that PLUS everything necessary to teach was too much and it utterly broke my spirit.

This is when I started to get really depressed regarding my career of teaching English in Japan. Either you have TIME but NO MONEY, MONEY but NO TIME, or NO TIME OR MONEY. I have never had both. 

At this point, I feel like I've wasted the past 14 years of my like with a career that really has no stability for the long-haul or will give me the necessary financial stability to actually save money for the future. I have no pension, no savings, no health insurance. Something clearly needs to change, and that's why I'm trying to change my career now.

At the beginning of the year, I signed a short-term contract with an international school not too far from my house with the thought that this would force me to get my butt in gear and work towards making a career change. But thinking this and actually following through is really difficult.

At the moment, I am searching what sort of jobs that I might be able to do in the video game industry, but there are several areas that make this change extremely difficult to do.

1. I have no previous work experience in the field.
2. I'm a foreigner.
3. I'm almost 40.
4. I'm a woman.

Maybe this is my own bitterness and self-pity that makes me think this, but I have had some personal experience that solidifies these views as being accurate hurdles that must be overcome.

Not every company is the same, either. There are MANY who will just throw out your application if you are not the sex, age, nationality, experience that they're looking for, and I can entirely understand this since I did it myself when I was screening applications. It's just extremely taxing on my creative mind that it makes it very difficult to concentrate or even have a positive attitude during this current down-time between jobs.

My biggest thing is that... I want to feel valued. I want to feel that my work is valued, that it means something, that I was able to accomplish and be proud of something. I want to create something, and I understand that by teaching, I'm essentially helping to create individuals who are able to communicate in English, but... that's not enough for me. I need more than the satisfaction of possibly helping someone to understand the world more through English, especially when a large fraction of my students probably don't even care about or will ever use what I thought them... 

For me, the English teaching profession in Japan has been an endless cycle of disappointment. I feel like it's the only thing that I'm able to do even though I really don't like doing it. But I have to have a job in order to survive, so I end up continuing the cycle of yet another unpleasant English teaching job. I'm depressed and desperate for change. 

But simply because I have had multiple different jobs since I moved to the Yokohama area, this gives a bad impression to potential employers. It's kind of interesting to me. I don't believe this necessarily exists in America: The more work experiences you have in Japan, the less enticing to employers you are, which, if you think about it, does make sense. Employers want to hire people for the long-haul, so if you're constantly changing jobs, they wonder why? What's wrong with you? That sort of thing... 

I know this is a wholly negative editorial, but I am leading to somewhere. You need to get over these rough parts to finally get into the exciting bit. 

So, with that said, hopefully my next entry will be a little more positive! Here's to hoping, anyway!