(Note: Google Translate from Japanese version with minor touching-ups.)

Returning to the diary I jotted down at Narita Hospital.

Dated August 31 (Monday), a word "is it my fault that I got ill?" "Or is it because of the illness that has made me ill?" I will quote afterwords here. Apologize for it being rather long. 

"Today (note, August 31), Yukihiro Takahashi (Mr., a former member of Yellow Magic Orchestra, famous group in Japan) was diagnosed with a brain tumor in early August, and the news reporting also conveyed that there would be no after/side-effect observed after surgery. 'I am terribly sorry for causing inconvenience...', he said in his statement to press. This is the same mentality in that Covid-19 infected entertainers and news anchors spelled out the same phrases 'I am sorry'. And, I agree with it."

"But my wife is different. 'You are not the one who's bad. You got the cancers, and which is not your fault. I know our children are fully aware of it.' Is it because of her long spending in US where an individual is weighted? I got the cancer, but is it something I need to be sorry about? This logic goes and reaches to self-responsiblity. Same as the Japanese who consider themselves as his/her Covid-19 affected, cancers are something really bad for Japanese enough to say sorry, and attributed to their own faults. 

A common phenomenon is observed both in Covid-19 and in cencers/ tumors, even so based on research data out of OECD countries."

"When my wife Koko got breast cancer (2018), she didn't say 'I'm sorry', and I didn't ask/ force her for it either. If my daughter and son got sick, I wouldn't ask them to say 'I'm sorry'. Yes, Yukihiro Takahashi's 'I'm sorry for the inconvenience ...' is still of not good choice."

Although not in my diary, I had had still been at a loss and agony before the day's dinner before my writing. It was around the time when the awkward looking Optune would be decided putting onto my head for 24 hours after my discharge, forcing me to enter another inconvenient life. I still remember I asked Koko over a video call at the night, "should I apologize to the children after all?" with my right palm on my head, the gesture showing I would put the device on. My voice turned inside out and I was about to cry. She replied back, "well, I think it should be OK. The kids know it's not your fault", she said, again with her distorted face shown over the screen. Thought she would also be close to break into tears.

According to a research at Osaka University, and reported by media under the title as "Is it 'Jigo-Jitoku' to get infected of Covid-19?" (note: Jigo-Jitoku is a word to express "paying your check" or "on your won fault"). The stories were based on the research by Professor Asako Miura, a specialist in social psychology at the University. The research results shows:

1-1.5% of the respondents in the United States and the United Kingdom answered that they "think that people infected with Covid-19 are on their own fault" with "very much so" and "maybe so" inclusive, while 11.5% in Japan are with the same answers, with 10 point margin than US and UK. Similarly, Italy as 2.5% and China 4.8% responded positive to the answers are also quite lower than Japan.

On the other hand, "I don't think it's the person's fault at all" was 60.7% in UK, 54.8% in US, 47.7% in China, and 44.7% in Italy. In Japan, it was 24.5%, which was quite low.

In response to the results, Professor Miura, interviewed, stated to a media, "in East Asian countries, there is a stronger tendency to define one's existence in relation to the surroundings than in Western cultures, so there is a tendency to respect harmony with the surroundings. It is easy to bring about something like so-called "peer pressure." "The Japanese government today does not come up with a strong policy, and even though it is just to refrain from doing so, there is also the aspect in place that regulations are ordered by the government and left there only to some extent in the society. Even when a people think, like 'I do not regard this as a problem, but it may be so as far as others are regarding it as thus', then it would yield so many "so-called private police" in town to watch and report this to the real police." (July 12, 2020, The Asahi Shimbun Globe+).

In Singapore, where I lived for a long time and started having aphasia in last May, I never thought of apologizing to my family. It may have been because I was not diagnosed yet, or it may be due surrounded by so many non-Japanese. It was also a time when, anyway, I never thought had a brain tumor(s). 

But, how about now? Again, the opposite environment around me affects me, and I'm still at a loss whether I should apologize or not to my family. 

The following phrases are found in the diary on the next day, September 1. It's almost like a "statement of determination".

To two children. Thank you for recognizing me as your father. Thank you for being born among us the couple. I am sincerely grateful. Children, normally as said, can't choose their parents, but you guys have come to us of your choices. To reward that guidance, we pour into you our long-lasting love. That's enough to me, and would be so to you two. 

To Koko. Thank you for your recognition to me still as your husband, and love for me. I love you from the bottom of my heart.

(The photo shows a cycling trip with a family friend in Singapore on November 28, 2019, off the coast of Kota Kinabalu, Borneo. My son and Koko were out of the sight. To be continued.)