こんばんは、重い腰を上げて IELTS Writing Task 2 を1本書きました。
コメント・フィードバック・質問等遠慮なくいただけると嬉しいです🥺

お題は「children にとって artistic activities / athletic activities どっちがいいか」という感じです。
35分で書き、その他と20分くらい自分で添削したものになります。

ネイティブチェックは未実施なのでその点はご留意ください。

It is sometimes argued that reading and artistic activities provide children with greater advantages than athletic activities do. I largely agree with this claim because reading and artistic activities equip children with life skills such as objective perspectives and artistic sensitivity, which are necessary to thrive in the modern world.

Admittedly, children derive some benefits from engaging in athletic activities, from bolstering physical prowess to enhancing team spirit. The former enables them to maintain robust health and enhance their physical well-being, whereas the latter contributes to establishing intimate relationships with their peers, both of which are valuable assets for leading a fulfilling life.

Aside from these assets, however, children can take greater advantage by immersing themselves in creative activities. Reading various novels, for instance, provides children with diverse viewpoints, which prove invaluable when navigating interpersonal dilemmas in the business world. Such aptitude in discerning human thought also aids in recognising their own emotional challenges, thereby fostering personal and mental growth.

Another benefit children can gain from artistic endeavours is heightened sensitivity to art. Exposure to various styles of arts and music profoundly influences how they perceive quotidian objects around them. Not only does this shift in perception enrich their ordinary lives, but it also transforms every scene they encounter into a source of inspiration for new ideas. In the rapidly changing society, innovative thinking is a valuable quality to possess.

In conclusion, although engagement in athletic activities brings certain benefits, the acquisition of broader perspectives and artistic outlook makes it plausible to argue that the latter qualities are more advantageous for the holistic development of children.