BGM: Young Disciples - Apparently Nothin'

How many books I have read during this life? I check my bookmeter and find that about 1600 books have gone through my head in these 9 years. But, still, I find that there are plenty of books I want to read. Maybe this is also from my addictive mind's function. But why? Why do I need such a large amount of books? Am I just a slave of my bookshelf or database in my bedroom?

My addictive mind always needs something to read, or something stimulative for me to afford thrills. Yes, something nice, seductive, delicious... as I have written in these journals, I am a frail guy and therefore need these kinds of mental drugs to release myself into the air. Yes, a sort of modern masochist in this competitive, consuming society.

In my free time this morning, I tried to enjoy reading books to kill the boredom but couldn't. I can't see the reason why, but just I can write that I felt a certain uncomfortable feeling in myself which almost drove me to vomit when I looked at books. So I needed to give up reading. Oh, I am really, truly a weak guy who must move irrationally. Illogically, weakly...

Weakness, frail, randomness, mess in my mind... I always face these essences in my mind through writing these journals every day. But also, I share this confusing content with you... I can't see if it can have a certain value for you to enjoy (maybe, I might be producing truly wasteful ones of time). But, I need to do this.

Now, a huge depressive emotion is in my mind which makes me stop doing anything... Therefore I can't have read books, nor do anything to feel any tiny pleasure. Although this must not sound natural in English expression, I write this... In my body, like some seashells, there are plenty of mental sand that work suffering/harmful to me. I need to vomit them out at first to be released to become free.

Next Sunday, I will go to the temple to share that kind of mental sand with my friends. You must have learned this... I am illogical. But, some friends still follow me. All I can say is just thank you so much.