The Socializing Introvert(社交的な内向型人間)
Imagine a group of 15 high school students doing the usual shenanigans in a classroom. You always notice that there is that one teenager leading everyone and being the center of attention while the rest of the crew constantly engage themselves with this leader. This leader has the quick wit for jokes, is the trendsetter, and is the biggest voice of the pack. Well, you guessed that right. That’s definitely not me. I’m that one kid melding in the background, just observing and riding along silently—the shy and awkward kid.
Just like many introverts, I found my home in the fantastical world of video games, the mystical realm of artistry, and the infinite portals of the Internet. I cycled in these comfort zones, communicating with online strangers anonymously. Hiding my identity with a profile picture of my favorite characters. This mundane life lived on even until I got my first official job. It was a calm and mindless cycle, yet it did not feel right.
The rhythmic clacking of the keyboard. The clicking sound of the mouse. The whirring blades of the desktop fan. The muffled video game sounds resonating from the headphones. The whispering vibration of the air conditioning. The same orchestra of electronics singing together for the past 8 hours on yet another hot Saturday afternoon.
“Defeat.”
“Oops.”, as I scratched my head. “I’ll do better next time.” I said then hopped on another game to start over.
“How can I be better? How can I be better? How can I be better?”
I was humming merrily and reflected on my mistakes by telling myself what I could have done better. I held on to my inspiration as my goal — I want to play like my professional player idols. I always felt so motivated to try and be better in video games. I was mindlessly cycling through my thoughts and said to myself again, “How can I be better?”
I vividly remember the last time I said this. A few days ago, I missed a golden opportunity in my job merely because I was too shy to speak up. When my mind backtracked this memory, I recalled another memory, and then another, and another. All of the same disappointing results—I missed chances because I did not have enough social skills. “How can I be better?”. I always say to myself in these situations, yet I never had the desire to change because I felt that there was never a need to change.
This familiar spark of motivation in me finally surfaced. This motivation fueled me to improve my mentality, and yet there was also a dreadful whisper inside my head, persuading me that it would be better to stay in my comfort zone—continue to live a loner’s life of not socializing, not reaching out for opportunities, or not trying out new things.
I was scared, but I coaxed myself that if I could improve myself in video games. How about I do the same thing in real life? I pictured myself in my head. Imagining. Fantasizing. I created a fictitious version of myself. A new me talking to people, grabbing opportunities, cracking jokes, and enjoying the wide world of socializing.
My workplace was the most ideal choice to take my first step on this journey. The initial quest line was to speak to the teacher who organizes the eat-out and hang-outs. While I was walking to her cubicle, I already felt nervous because I could feel a lump on my throat. I pictured that image of me socializing well, and felt a huge boost of courage.
I peeked my head inside her room and flatly said, “Can I join the dinner with the students and teachers this coming Friday?”
She was caught off guard early in the morning because I noticed her body jumping a bit from the seat. She looked confused but nodded, “Okay. I’ll include you in the list.”
Friday arrived. I was so awkward that I barely spoke to anyone, but again, I pictured that imaginary version of me socializing well, and courage flowed through me. I opened up conversations with both the students and teachers that night. I even got to try to sing my first karaoke song with people aside from my family. It was a fulfilling event, but it was utterly exhausting.
Next, I finally accepted a party invitation from my extended relatives. Thinking of my goal to be better was my fuel to survive the uncomfortable experience with relatives I barely even knew. Filipino culture family events can be one of the most crippling experiences for introverts. I got compared with my successful cousins. I got asked about my relationship status. I got asked about my income. I got stares of disdain because of how I looked. All in all, it was a mortifying experience. Nevertheless, I had to understand that this was part of the challenge to be better. I know I had to test the waters to understand how deep they were, but I forgot that I fear the depths because I cannot swim. In other words, I managed to conquer my fears of interacting with my relatives even though I did not know how to talk to them nor handle their comments.
Lastly, I finally cracked a striking punchline that got a room full of laughs. We had our weekly meeting in the English academy. All the teachers gathered and discussed our work progress. The meeting finally ended and we had enough time to chit-chat. While I was talking with my fellow teachers, there was a moment to slip a punchline. And so I did. All of the teachers laughed. A glorious moment in my life to receive such applause, even for a mere joke. However, the one teacher who was the butt of the joke never spoke nor interacted with me ever again.
In these few months of constant socializing and coming out of my comfort zone, reality slapped me in the face. It was not all rainbows and butterflies, but these experiences do come with a price. Guilt. Regret. Humiliation. Pain. Torn friendships. Toxic habits. These terrifying thoughts and memories have been haunting me. I became a fake person just for the sake of self-improvement.
I asked myself again, “How can I be better?”
The most obvious solution was to regress to my usual introverted habitat. I thought to myself, “I was not meant to socialize.” while wallowing in my own thoughts of regret and shame of even trying to improve my social skills.
Despite that, I went to work as usual, occasionally joined the teacher-student hangouts, attended family parties, and cracked jokes here and there. Nonetheless, I noticed that I was acting differently this time; I did not feel the chain of nervousness nor the crippling anxiety. Moreover, I was more careful with my words and actions. The regret and shame taught me the valuable lesson to think of others as I play my part in a social circle.
In the end, I did not become that actual socializing person I have been picturing myself, but I did learn to socialize. And here I am again asking myself:
“How can I be better?”
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