こんにちは！英語キャリア学部3回生の櫻井穂ノ香です。

私は今、西オーストラリア州のEdith Cowan Universityで、主に会計学を勉強するために専門留学をしています。
今年の2月からこちらに来ているので、留学開始時からもう既に7ヶ月が経とうとしており、只今2学期目に突入しています。帰国日は今年の11月末を予定しているので、私の留学生活も残り後2ヶ月半ほどしかありません。
...今、あまりの時の流れの速さに驚いて、心臓がドキドキしてきました。

さて、今回は、主に私の留学前半を振り返ろうと思います。
経験した出来事全てをお伝えできたらいいのですが、そうなるとブログが長くなりすぎてきっと誰も読んでくれないので、留学前半を大きく2つのキーワードで分けて書いていきます。
また、留学後半の目標についても、改めて考えてみました。

ちなみに、始めに断っておきますが、今回のブログの内容は、今読んで下さっている方の期待とは、少し異なっているかもしれません。

というのも、多くの人は「留学」という単語を聞けば、異国の地でキラキラした毎日を送るというイメージを持つかもしれません。私自身もそうでした。
しかし、それはきっと、今まで誰かが留学の明るい部分ばかりを切り取って意図的に見せてきたからです。
実際には、明るく、万人ウケする部分もあれば、誰にでも話そうとは思わないような、少し暗い部分もあります。

今回私が話す内容は、後者のマイナーな方にあたると思います。
「留学どうだった」と聞かれて、一番最初に話す人はきっと少ないであろう、あんまりキラキラしていない部分の話です。

留学前半を振り返る
留学前半戦を振り返るため、ちょくちょくつけていた日記を久しぶりに見返しました。
オーストラリアに来たばかりの日々なんて、昨日のことのように思い返せるわ…そう思い込んでいましたが、読み返してみてびっくり。
「私ってこんなこと考えてたっけ？」と過去の自分の告白に驚きを隠せませんでした。

私の留学前半を簡潔に表すなら、「自分自身との葛藤と、勉強の毎日」です。

1. 自身との葛藤
オーストラリアに来てから、自分の感情の動きを、少し離れたところから眺めることが増えたように思います。

留学初日から今まで、毎日、些細な出来事に一喜一憂し、なんでこんな風に感情が動くんだろうと理由を考えて、整理して、また新たな出来事を経験し、また感じて…を、繰り返してきました。

例えば、定期的に感じる孤独。

私は1人部屋に住んでいるので、自分から積極的に行動を起こさなければ、簡単に1人の時間ができます。
1人の時間は好きですが、それが多すぎると反対に寂しさが募り、気持ちが沈んでしまうことも結構ありました。
そのため、友達を遊びに誘ったり、買い出しに誘ったり、部屋に遊びに行ってもいいかと聞いたりと、定期的・意識的にアクションを起こしました。

「日本におる時どうやって友達と仲良くなってたっけ？」と分からなくなることもしばしば。日本では自分から誘わなくても周りが誘ってくれていたのかもしれないし、無意識のうちに自分が誘っていたのかもしれません。
おそらく、意識しなくても自然と友達ができてきたと思っているのは、それが日本だったからです。
日本語が話せるから、努力しなくても人と意思疎通ができるし、冗談が言えるし、笑い合えるし、だから自然と仲良くなれる。

でも、ここは英語が共通言語のオーストラリア。
まだまだ未熟な私のカタコト英語では、努力しなければ意思疎通も難しいし、冗談も言えないし、愛想笑いばかりになるし、仲良くなるのに時間がかかります。

もどかしくて、悔しいけど、これが現実。
「これからどんどん、もっと自由に、友達と好きな話をして爆笑するようになったりするのかも」と妄想することもありましたが、自分の英語力、コミュニケーション力では、思い描いていた理想のようにはなかなかいきませんでした。

私の性格は、人見知りのインドア派。
そのため、自分から積極的にアクションを起こし、意識的に外に出ていくことは、私にとっては結構な労力です。
かと言って、アクションを起こすのに疲れ、何もしないでいると、1人の時間ばかりが続き、気持ちが落ち込んできます。だから何もしないわけにもいかない。
正直えらく厄介な性格です。

こうして留学前半は、簡単に動いてしまう自分の感情や、面倒な自分の性格に、ずっと対応してきました。

2. 勉強ばかりの日々
授業は4つ履修しました。1つの授業につき2〜3時間と、外大の50分授業の3倍前後の長さもありました。でも、授業のある日は週に3日しかなかったので、自由な時間もたくさんありました。

しかし、私はその自由時間の多くを、勉強のために使っていました。

特に予定の無い日は、朝起床して、図書館で勉強し、昼食を食べに部屋に戻って、また図書館に戻り、日が暮れれば部屋に戻って夕食を食べ、就寝。このような、「つまらない1日」を過ごすこともよくありました。

当時の私は、
「英語で授業を受けるんやから、他の人より努力しないと授業についていけなくなる」
「授業についていけなくなったら成績が落ちる」
「成績が良くなかったら強制送還させられる！」

と、留学存続の危機は絶対に避けたいというモチベーションで勉強していました（私を含む専門留学生は、1学期目の成績が基準に満たなければ、留学は2学期目まで続けられず、強制的に帰国を命じられることになっています。さらに、給付された奨学金も全額返金しなければなりません。そうなれば親にどつかれるどころじゃ済みません）。

授業スタイルも評価基準も使用言語も、何もかも日本とは違う環境であるにも関わらず勉強で手を抜くなんて、私にはできませんでした。

…と、こんな暗いことばっかり綴っていたら、留学中ずっと1人で勉強ばっかしてた寂しいやつ、みたいな印象を受けると思いますが、もちろんそれだけが私の留学の全てではありません。

幸いなことに、私の周りには素敵な人がたくさんいてくれました。
同じ寮に住んでいたり、同じ授業をとっていたり、はたまたよく私を見かけるからと図書館で話しかけてくれたりと、色んなことをきっかけに友達ができました。
その子たちと、自然豊かなオーストラリアの素敵な景色を一緒に見に行ったり、新しいカフェやレストランを探す旅に出かけたり、夜ご飯を食べながら一緒に映画を観たり… どれも忘れたくない素敵な経験です。

ーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーーHi! I’m Honoka Sakurai, a junior student in the School of International Professional Development.

I have mainly studied accounting at Edith Cowan University in Western Australia.
I have been here since February, so it has already been 7 months since I came to Australia, and I’m doing the second semester at the moment. I’m going to come back to Japan at the end of November, which means I have only about two and a half months left. I have just realized how fast time flies and my heart is starting to pound!

Now, I would like to mainly look back on the first half of my studying in Australia.
I wish I could tell you about all the events I experienced so far, but that would make the blog too long and I am sure no one would read it. So I’m going to divide the story into two based on keywords.
Also I’m going to tell you about my goals for the second semester.

By the way, let me tell you this first before letting you read my blog. The content of this blog may be a little different from what you may be expecting.

Many people may have an image of spending sparkling days in a foreign country when they hear the word "studying abroad." I was also one of them.
However, I think that someone has intentionally cut out and shown only the bright side of studying abroad so far, which results in the widespread belief towards studying in other countries.
In reality, there are bright parts that attract everyone and a little darker ones that need not to be talked about.

What I’m going to tell you would be the latter topic.
If people asked you, “How was your studying abroad?”, you wouldn’t tell them about it first.

Looking Back on the 1st Half of My Life in Australia
I checked my diary in order to look back on the first half of my studying in Australia.
I thought I would be able to easily remember the days, but I was surprised when I looked back at it.
I was like, "Did I ever think in such a way?” I couldn't stop from being shocked at my past confession.

If I were to briefly describe the first half of my life in Australia, I would say it was a struggle with myself and studying.

1. Conflicts with Myself
I have been able to observe my emotions a bit more objectively since I came to Australia.
From the first day until today, trivial events in my daily life in this country have been emotional roller coasters, which have made me try to figure out why my emotions dramatically move like this and sort them out. As soon as I thought I was finally able to digest my dynamic emotions, another event came into my life and I ended up dealing with new feelings and repeating the process over and over again.

One example of the emotional events in my life would be the loneliness I feel regularly.

I live in a single room, so I can easily be alone unless I actively ask my friends to hang out.
I like to spend time with myself, but I can’t stop from feeling lonely and depressed if I’m lonely for too long.
So I regularly and consciously took actions such as asking my friends to hang out, go shopping, or if I could visit their rooms.
I often wondered, "How did I get along with my friends when I was in Japan?" In Japan, people around me may have invited me to join them, or I may have unconsciously invited them myself.

Probably I was naturally able to make friends without that much conscious effort because it was in Japan.
Because I speak Japanese as a mother tongue, I was able to communicate with people without making an effort, tell jokes, laugh with them, and so we were naturally able to become good friends.

However, I’m in Australia, where English is the common language.
My English has still been improving. So without effort I wouldn’t be able to easily communicate with people, tell jokes, but put on a fake smile while chatting, and it would take a long time to get along with them.

That often made me frustrated and disappointed, but this is the reality.
I used to fantasize that I would be able to chat and laugh with friends one day as I do with Japanese friends, but sadly it turned out that achieving this ideal would be difficult with my still-improving English and communication skills.

I’m a person who is introverted and likes to stay home.
That’s why it takes a lot of effort for me to consciously take action and go outside on my own.
On the other hand, if I got tired of taking action and did nothing, I would spend a lot of time alone and end up feeling depressed again. So I can't just do nothing.
I know I have a very tricky personality.

So I have been dealing with my dynamic emotions and tricky personality for the first half of my life in Australia.

2. Days Full of Studying
I took four classes, each of which lasted two to three hours, about three times the length of a 50-minute class at KGU. But I had only three uni days a week, so I had a lot of free time.

However, I spent most of the time studying.

If I had no plans, I would get up in the morning to go to the library for studying, come back to my room for lunch, go back to the library again, come back to my room for dinner, and go to bed. I used to have such a "boring day" like this.

At that time I was like,

"I’m gonna take classes in English so I should work harder than others to keep up with them.”
“If I didn’t keep up with classes, I would get bad grades.”
“If so, I would be deported!"

I had been studying with the motivation to avoid my studying in Australia from being forced to give up on the way by KGU.
(If the grades for the first semester do not meet the standards, students will not be able to continue theri studying in the second semester and will be forced to return to Japan. In addition, they will have to pay back the full amount of the scholarship they received. If this really happened, I would never see my parents again).

I wouldn’t be able to allow myself to be too lazy to pass all the classes under the circumstances where everything is different, including a teaching style, evaluation standards, and the used language.

…You might have got the impression that I was a lonely girl who spent all my time studying by myself. Please do not misunderstand me. Of course that is not the whole story of my life in Australia.

Fortunately I was surrounded by many wonderful people.

I made friends in various ways, such as living in the same dormitory with them, taking the same classes, and even staying at the library, which made someone talk to me because they often saw me there.
I went out with them to see the beautiful natural sceneries of Australia, went on trips to find new cafes and restaurants, and watched movies together over dinner... All of these are wonderful experiences that I will never forget.

Planning for the 2nd half of My Life in Australia
My goal for my stay in Australia is to have as many experiences that I can do only now as possible.

What I can do only now is meeting more new people, regardless of age, gender, and race, and communicating with them. Of course I will do that with my friends as well.
I would like to just have fun with conversation with them and listen to their interesting stories, which can be done only by those people.

In addition to interacting with them I would like to have new experiences as part of what I can do only now.
That is because gaining many new experiences would give me a broader knowledge, perspective, and the range of my interest, and an impact on my beliefs and thoughts, which I think would help me be an interesting person. Having these experiences would also give me a good opportunity to meet new people. I will introduce what I have begun to do recently in the next blog.

Of course, I would need good communication and English skills to achieve these things.

So I would like to enjoy the second half of my studying in Australia with two goals in mind: to have new experiences that I can do only now; and to improve my communication and English skills.

In Closing
In this article, I have reviewed the first half of my stay in Australia and introduced my goals for the second half of it.

What I wrote down here may have been a little different from what you expected.

However, I’m just one of hundreds or thousands of people who have studied abroad.
There are also other delightful members with different, unique personalities from mine in Lim who have been studying out of Japan. Their stories are different from mine in many ways as well, which I’m sure should be interesting to know.
Stay tuned for their stories to be introduced in the latter blogs.

From the next time onward, I’m going to introduce new things I have been working on or try to do like travel blogs by introducing some of my favorite places and cafes in Western Australia.

Then, see you guys in the next blog.