誰かに、或いは何かに触れる、という事に対する恐怖心

今回のお話は、そんにゃテーマにゃのですが、貴方は
そんにゃ体験をされたことがありますかにゃ？

私はありみゃす〇

それは、家のテーブルに置かれた綺麗にゃお花に触れた時でしたにゃ🐾
花の色は赤く、葉は青々としていて、それは命に溢れていましたニャ。

昔からお花が好きでしたので、「綺麗にゃー」って沢山触れて、沢山愛でて、沢山香りを楽しんでいましたにゃ。

しかし、翌日。。。

その花は見事に枯れてしまいました。僅か一日の出来事でしたにゃ。
信じて頂けるか分かりませんが、ホントの事ですニャ🎈

艶やかさの欠片も残らず、文字通り色褪せてくたびれた花と葉が
そこに残っている、ただそれだけでした。

信じられないと思い、伸ばした肉球は、しかし、その枯れ果てた花を散らせただけでした。。。

最初に浮かんだのは、そんにゃ思いでしたにゃ🎈

ご存知の方はご存知でしょうが、私は昨今で言う所の毒親という名前では生ぬるい親に育てられており、当初ろくな栄養も与えられず、BMIも16でした。

食料制限を徹底しているモデルさんでさえ18と聞きますので、ホントに笑える数値ですよね〇

人間界の食事で栄養が取れないから、知らぬうちに植物から栄養を摂取するようににゃっていたのです。

そんな経験から、今もお花屋さんの花には、あまり触れられませんニャ🌺
これだけ自然や花が好きなのに、触れられないというのは、とても物悲しいものですにゃ🐾

ま、私は、解決策を見つけまして（笑）
行きつけの神社さんにある御神木さんにギュッと時々くっついていますにゃww

自分のお話を失礼しましたにゃm(__)m
誰かに、何かに触れられない切なさを、この翻訳で貴方に感じて貰えたら嬉しいですニャ☕

それでは、のんびりどうぞにゃのです🍡

〇〇〇

Koharu and Mutuo's relationship continued.
Four years had passed since they started dating.

However, their relationship was not a peaceful one, due to Koharu's phobia.

There was no progress in improving her symptoms.
Koharu blamed herself for this.

In the first one or two years of their relationship, there was hope of overcoming the phobia for both Koharu and Mutuo-san.But Koharu could not become physically close to Mutuo-san at all.
She feared that she might never get better and completely lost her confidence.

"Koharu, touch me," Mutuo-san would say, extending his hands towards her. But Koharu couldn't touch him. Actually, she could neither touch someone nor be touched by someone even if the someone is the one whom she really love.

Still, Mutuo-san would say, "It's okay, don't worry about it." Koharu explained why she couldn't touch his hands.

"Even if you extend your hands, I'm truly afraid to touch them, wondering if I do touch your hands and then have a seizure at the time,,, In that case, I may not be able to touch you forever. I'm really scared about it.
I mean..
I'm afraid that it will make you give up on touching me, so I can't bring myself to touch you either."

Koharu truly wants to touch Mutuo-san. She has confided what she feels in her mind before and it was painful.
"I want Mutuo-san... I want him to hug me so tightly that my chest tightens and tears start to flow...
But still, I'm afraid of touching... Torn between these two contradictory feelings, I wonder if I'm going crazy...
That's what I sometimes think."

Koharu is aware of the pain of not being able to touch. That's why she feels so tormented.
She feels guilty for not being able to allow Mutuo-san to touch her.
Her thought like "I'm not good for him." is getting stronger day by day.

The more wonderful a person Mutuo-san is, the more these thoughts torment herself.

"I think it would be better for you to date someone else."
"Why?"
"I want Mutuo-san to be truly happy."
"I am happy."
"That's a lie."
"It's not a lie."
"We've been together for four years, and we can't even hold hands."
"You don't have to worry about it."
"…You've given up, haven't you?"
"…Because I love Koharu."
"…"
"I want to be with YOU, Koharu."
"Lately, I've been feeling bad, and I can't even be with you."
"I don't want to break up."
Mutuo-san raised his voice a bit.

Mutuo-san raised his voice for a reason. It wasn't the first time Koharu had brought up such a conversation.

During that period, Koharu would talk about it every time they met. Even though Mutuo-san denied it each time, Koharu wouldn't listen.

Mutuo-san was frustrated with himself for making Koharu feel that way, which led him to inadvertently raise his voice.

Koharu was frightened. She said that her father was not someone who raised his voice, so her fear wasn't because of him. Instead, it was due to the trauma from debt collectors.

Hearing this, I tried to reassure her.

"Mutuo-san really needs you, Koharu. No one else will do."

"He only think that now. But he could be truly happy with someone else." Koharu wouldn't listen.

She truly believed it would be better for her to break up with him, convinced she was causing him suffering.

However, Koharu didn't stop meeting with Mutuo-san altogether, which I felt indicated somewhere deep down, she didn't want to part from him. She suppressed her own feelings, wishing for Mutuo-san's happiness...

If only she said 'I want to break up' as a test for Mutuo-san's love, how much easier it would have been.

〇〇〇

原作者さん

振り返り

今日は冒頭のテーマにもある通り、「触れられない切なさ」がテーマにゃので、例証を贅沢に3つご紹介しますにゃ🌈

1つ目は睦夫さんが手を伸ばして、小春に触ってもらおうとする場面ですニャ🖊　AIと私の翻訳が以下の通りですニャ🐾

AI
"Koharu, touch me," Mutuo would say, extending his hand towards her. But Koharu couldn't touch him, not just because she couldn't bring herself to, but also because she couldn't initiate contact.

🐈Actually, she could neither touch someone nor be touched by someone even if the someone is the one whom she really love.

違いとしては、AIはより率直に原文を翻訳しているのですが、私は「どれだけ好きな人でさえ、触れることも触れられることも出来ない。」と切なさを強調した翻訳にしておりみゃす📚

2つ目は睦夫さんに触れて貰えることもできない自分は彼女としてふさわしくない、と考えてしまう小春の描写ですニャ🚢

AI
"I don't deserve someone like me."

🐈　Her thought like "I'm not good for him." is getting stronger day by day.

これはAIさん、主語が分かり難かったのか、Iににゃってますね（笑）
次に、deserveは個猫的にはあまり良い使い方を見ないのですにゃ🎈
例えば、「You deserve it! = 自業自得だ！」という意味合いににゃりみゃす🛫

そこで、「彼にとって自分が良くない存在である」という感覚を小春が抱いているという解釈の方が、よりスムーズに物語が進むと考え上記のように訳しましたにゃ(*´ω｀)

最後は、AIさんが頑張った訳ですニャ🌺
これは、睦夫さんと小春が別れた後に咲がフォローするシーンですにゃ🍡

AI
Hearing this, I tried to reassure her.

reassureとは「慰める」という意味合いにゃので、凄く良いと感動しましたにゃ(*´ω｀)
原文では「フォローする」という表記にゃのですが、本来followは追随するという意味合いが強く、そこから後方支援のようにゃ意味合いで支えるという意味が波及したように感じているので、

正直、最初にこの原文を読んだとき、「咲は小春の何をどのようにフォローしたのか？」と私は少し悩んでいたので、AIさん、にゃいすプレーですにゃ⚾

はい！そんにゃ訳で、本日の翻訳はココまでですにゃ(^^♪
少しでも面白いと感じて頂けたら光栄にゃのです📖

本日も最後までお読み頂き、有難うございます♪🐈