[“3Things You Must Do at UMass[1] s”
by でべそ plays]
[audience applause[2] ]
 [で] Thank you! Thank you! Okay! We gotta get going![3] 
[-cheering and applause continue]
[で] It's really nice to see you at UMass. You know, people told me UMass is in the middle of nowhere. But now,  I can tell them they are not right, they have Walmart, you can take the bus to go to Walmart. [4] 

I mean, being a student at UMass is nice, especially for me as an exchange student from Japan. People are much nicer and kinder, when you break a plate! They clap as soon as the sound of a plate breaking is heard.[1] [clapping sarcastically] It's like a birthday party. Since I learned that it's the politest way to react to breaking plates, I clapped a lot during the semester in the dining commons, cafes, in Boston. I wish someone had told me that this was only in UMass. In a fancy cafe in Boston, no one except me was clapping. [clapping sarcastically…and notice the situation and stop clapping awkwardly] 

There are a lot of side effects of being a UMass student, take, for example, swear words in the hockey game. The audience is very enthusiastic. They are screaming things like “ugly goalie!!!!!!!!![1] ” to the opponent team, I mean I was kinda curious, what if they see their faces? Should they scream “ugly self!!!!!!!!!!!”?

You know, you have to be prepared for consequences if you say something rude to others. I know they have “daddy’s money!!!!!” toward a university with high-tuition. And ‘behind the name!!!!!!’ toward the well- known universities. [1] So, what about UMass? “Middle of nowhere?” 

I mean, these are just chants, so it's not a big deal. However, how about too much waste? See, the dining commons food waste! [1] They just take plates, [pretend taking stuff on a plate] take whatever they want to dispose of, and take another one to dispose of, and another one to dispose of, and another… 

Anyway, in terms of the waste, this university has a lot of problems. Students use too much toilet paper[1] , when I go to restrooms, I find myself surrounded by large quantities of used toilet paper. I assume they use toilet paper more than they shit. You go into the toilet,[pretend unrolling paper and following actions] unroll the paper in your favorite length, and use a little bit of edge. What is wrong? That makes you relaxed!!!!!!!! [2] Certainly people prefer the gender inclusive restrooms in the student union, so that you can unroll the paper however long in your private space.

As I said, it's really nice to be at UMass. There are a lot of new cultures that I have never seen, and as you can see from the title of this show, there are “3 Things You Must Do at UMass.” First, why do people come to UMass? I mean, why do international students come to UMass? To study, for their future career, to make friends…no! Because UMass is a little bit close to Harvard university!!! [1] For Japanese, UMass is a university which is located a little bit close to Harvard university, nothing more than that. They go to Harvard Square, buy Harvard hoodies, go back to UMass, and wear UMass jogger pants and a Harvard hoodie.[2]  I don't get it, but still they are satisfied with being at UMass. So, when you come to UMass, there is one thing you must do. Buy Harvard hoodies. Well, if you can afford it, you can buy…something like a UMass sticker and key chain, if you dare to.

So, secondly, I recommend you to try eating Asian food in the dining commons, as you know, UMass is famous for having the best campus food in the country. They have plenty of styles of food. Needless to say, they have some creativity. They make up “Asian food” in their own way. I know some people prefer cilantro.[1]  And maybe they think Asia’s staple food is cilantro. They put cilantro to every Asian meal every time…every time. I'd like to clarify. We, Japanese people, don't put it in ramen or any other Japanese food. I would say, Japanese hate cilantro. They hate it like weed. [2] Japanese people say, “Cilantro is the gateway to weed.” Some people can get addicted to cilantro, like they start trying them with curiosity, and it sounds cool if you say “Well, I’ve tried cilantro once.” but then, they get into a downward spiral, you get crazy to get cilantro, you cannot be sane without cilantro. So, if you want to try something cool and dangerous, you should eat Asian food in the dining commons. 

When you go to different countries, you will find some cultural differences and make mistakes without realizing. For example, like the expression I would say, “What's up[1] ” and “There is this guy” confused me a lot. When I was asked “what's up” I thought the sky was up, that is what's up. You know what I mean? And also, when my friend started talking “So, there is this guy” I asked “Who’s the guy? where? here?” I thought she was talking about her imaginary guy, which scared me a lot. Also, slang confuses me. like “Yo, you are a douchebag.”[2]  I was like what is a bag of douche? You have a bunch of douches in your bag?[3]  Also, my friend taught me the exaggerated version of “douchebag,” which is “douche canoe.” I mean, if you exaggerate something, you have to upscale the same kind of things, so, the exaggerated version of douchebag should be doucheluggage!

In addition, the abbreviation of words still confuses me. like, “wya[1] ?”[pronounced as it looks, sarcastically] or “ikr[2] ”[pronounced as it looks]. cause I don't understand what they are trying to say with W/Y/A and I/K/R! I am not a cryptanalyst. some people even texted me like “wya? apt rn asap”[pronounce as it looks] I was like “Is this English?” I mean, TSGTGBAW! They Should Go to The Gym Before Abbreviating the Words. They don't have enough tongue muscles to pronounce English. As a note, there is a recreation center behind the honors college. [3]