My childhood

Since I was a child, I had endeavored to play a role as a good girl for my parents.

I still remember that my parents frequently compared between what I was and what my brothers were and they said  “you can make constant efforts and are superior to all your brothers” to me.  I thought not only tenacious efforts and achieving expected results but also behaving a good girl are essential conditions to be loved by parents as well.

I was obsessed by the emotion that I want my parents to recognize, to praise, and not to scold me while pros and cons are in myself

During a preschool student, rigorous teachers spanked me as punishment whenever I wetted my bed or disobeyed teacher’s instructions.

I am wondering I could take a balance between wanting to be a good girl and being unable to be a good girl with basking in affection by the teachers who were scolding me and embracing my weakness.

Once I entered an elementary school, Nobody chastised including spanking me. I missed and remembered getting such a punishment and also I described the painful scene on a paper. I ,however, immediately discarded the paper as soon as I found myself weird.

Indeed, I was  happy to good remarks by my parents and my elementary school teachers,but  gradually I was getting more and more tired of making great efforts to be praised by them.
Maybe, I was tired of disciplining myself and leading me to the right direction,for which  the surrounding adults could accept.
Therefore,I felt jealous that other children waywardly behaved as they wished and naturally delegated the role of disciplining themselves to their surrounding parents,and I had really wished I could have behaved like other children.
As a result, for venting off my pent-up feeling, I described a spanking scene on a paper

I had been curious about child’s spanking scene on Anime. On the contrast, I felt ambiguous and somehow excited at the scene during a preschool student ,but I got reluctant to the scene while I aspired to get spanked at the same time during an elementary student. Even more, I desired to get scolded and spoiled as I identified myself with a kid getting spanked on a screen.

Finding out my sexual propensity with a friend

It was not until about 20 years old that I talked about my sexual propensity.

Also, I had rejected to accept my sexual propensity and seemingly abnormal emotion that I desired to get spanked.

One day, one of my male friends attempted to coerce me into admitting that I am a masochist. I agaped and got irritated with mumbling “oh, is he crazy?” ,“He is teasing me. I am NO MASOCHIST!” ,and “I wonder he’ll immediately cease to tease once I admit” in my mind.

After he reiterated that I am a masochist, I found him claiming that I am one without joking and had butterflies in my stomach in the ebullient emotion that I want him to know more about me.I was baffled by uncertain reasons why I had butterflies in my stomach and was not sure what kind of detailed information about myself I wanted him to know.

I was eventually forced me to confess that I am a masochist and he accepted my confession and I suddenly felt euphoria. I frighteningly admitted that I am a masochist and my friend accepted my sexual propensity.

My stifled emotion unleashed and the more I could easily talk about myself and confess my desire to get punished to my friend little by little ,which my friend accepted , the more I also gradually accepted a bizarre part of myself like my sexual propensity.

I turned my mind into extrovert a little ,so I began to communicate and gradually deepened relationships  with those who loved BDSM on internet after I came to talk about my sexual propensity to my friend.
※ I didn’t know the meaning of discipline spanking which is spanking for punishment until I initially visited a fetish bar

Visiting a fetish bar

Realizing what my sexual propensity is and laying out what I had been mesmerized with others in the propensity, I craved to be punished and had been frustrated  by an impulse I hoped somebody would spank me.

I was close to be filled with frustration in my mind  ,so I decided to look up a BDSM lover for a conversation partner to see on internet or to go to a fetish bar alone at first time.  I went to finally on April, 2019

I truly hesitated over to go to a fetish bar in which spate of people of various sexual propensity gather and such kind of bar seemed eerie and mysterious to me.  I had never walked in fetish bars ,much less in ordinary bars. I challenged myself to stop by the door of a fetish bar but was walking around in front of the bar.

While walking around, a regular female customer asked if I would walk in and I only answered I was hesitating to open the door in a tiny voice,then she walked into the bar with me.
All associates, the master of the bar, and regular female customers were so kind and friendly ,which relieved me. Furthermore, I asked the regular female customer accompanying me to the bar to spank me. I was mesmerized by her spanking for the first time in over a decade.

I have visited the bar for 4 years since I went to initially. I was afraid of having strong desires based on my sexual propensity ,which might cause to change myself, relying on such behaviors to satisfy my masochism, and craving submission too much in the first place.
However, on feeling a fear to change myself or finding myself nearly uncontrolled, I made it a custom to ask myself my frank emotion and to let myself express it plus I had loved myself which enabled me to more accept my sexual propensity.

I have enjoyed opportunities to get along with those who have satisfied my sexual propensity, possess my unknown  sexual propensity, and organized shows with me for the last 4 years ,which not only broadened my view but also made me honest to my curiosity and enabled me to make a action with trusting my potential without prejudice against my sexual propensity.

Thereafter

A couple of  people had consulted with me about one’s concern of sexual propensity ,and then they knew themselves more deeply with a feeling of relief,so they expressed grateful feelings to me.
Meanwhile, I found people really appreciate and feel relieved by my counseling. I really love interaction each other so that I began to serve  my counseling on internet on May,2022.

From the time when I started my service until now, I realized consultors suffered from their sexual propensities ,sought talking partners with whom they could enjoy conversation about their sexual propensities, and would like to ask me to deal with concerns about sexual relationships with their partners. Also, I hit up those who have sexual propensity I had never heard of and then I came to know minor sexual propensities other than major sexual propensities like BDSM.

I suddenly retrospected what I went through after I had began counseling and as I was doing, I assumed the majority of people unconsciously oppress their propensities to do so for fear that nobody would understand or accept their propensities ,and I came across those who vaguely recognize what they are curious and don’t know to whom they should talk about their propensities or what they should talk and so on ,so they even weren’t ready for verbalizing.
Finally, I hoped I could organize an environment where those who suffer from their propensities per se would know ,accept ,and love themselves.

In my childhood when I was describing a spanking scene on a paper, I had reined in such an emotion that I regarded myself as a kinky girl.
I remembered  longing for a BFF accepting my feeling of pining for spanking and my agony triggered by over-praising.
Ultimately,  I cordially wished I could accept myself with such sexual propensity.

In order to spread the love of those who helped me and accepted me, I want to make actions for many people to talk to themselves and to let themselves spend their time cherishing themselves.