I sometimes feel a pang of guilt because I remember my fault to my ex-girlfriend. Thinking back, my negligence might have hurt her, and this experience stigmatized me as a person who unconsciously wielded male superiority. When I was a freshman, I was intimate with her. It was my first time doing it, but I had poor knowledge to do that, so my behavior made her uneasy. I was also confused about what and how I should do next at that time. First of all, I did nothing but apologize to her: I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. I reflect on myself. We had a conversation and talked about what we should do to avoid the same mistakes. I really appreciate her because she didn’t give up on me. Since then, I’d been trying to be considerate to her whenever we met.

Although we broke up one and a half years ago, I sometimes feel a pang of guilt that I experienced before. Almost all of it, what could I do when the worst situation happened and could I be in charge of it at that time? I talked as if I could do anything for her in spite of being just a freshman. I misjudged the difference between what I wanted to do and what I could actually do.

I major in American literature and mainly read from the perspectives of gender, especially about male identity such as masculinity, manliness, and machismo. I didn’t know the reason why I was interested in this topic when I was a senior. I realized my experience with her took me into it after I became a grad student. Unfortunately, there is a male-dominated society, especially in Japan. We, men, unconsciously wield male superiority and take so many advantages against women just because we are men. This problem is related to conventional male identity, so it’s too complex to solve within a day. However, we have to face it, consider and talk to each other, and explore the best answer. We, men, are at a crucial point. I’m going to deal with this topic seriously from here on out.